EPH3 TRASH Nov 14th 2010 - "The NATGEO Hash"
Da Freaking Wilderness Run!!!
I thought I'd left going out in the sticks when I retired
from the Corps some years back...apparently...we on occasion
at EPH3 crave "A" wilderness Hash...Go figure huh?....I
guess I should say we are in fact surrounded by desert, and
some moe-hill mountains. National Geographic would've been
proud of us...."Nah-Nah-Nah-nah nah nah" starts the opening
theme song for NatGeo. The opening shot...two whales
boffing in the Ocean, Doh!! Wait a minute...we're not even
close to an Ocean... Now Cobb Knobler, Anal Ahkbar, and the
thoid Hare...of which his name escapes me, accompanied by
their trusty groupie, Da Luscious "Pink Slit", had decided
that tracking thru Pungi Laden Trails, all kinds of
foliage with deadly stickers - Cactus, Spanish Daggers,
Ankle Crumbling Disabling Rocks, an occasional Dog Pooo
from our Hasher Pups, and arroyos where you can't see the
bottom would lend to a nice Sunday afternoon jaunt.....
Point "A" was located out at the Edge of North Hills, hence
NorthEast El Paso...Surely, the edge of civilization...at an
old abandoned Dam???? Huh? Nevermind...I suspect it was a
given we were going to lose some Hashers out there...never
to be found again...Who would've thought it was
"Bi-da-Numbers"....Porta John paid for that one...It's all
Porta's fault. I must say that I was concerned when I
trotted in to the "B" and there were some old dead carcasses
laying on the "B" circle ---- No, no, no...I'm talking about
the real thang...Wakes Me...is besides the point...
Before, I used to make mention of who was there...well these
days....I should say who wasn't there...I can't keep up!
We've grown a tid-bit...It's all whipper-snappers at that...
Okay...I was going to trudge on, and on...and discuss
issues...but I was forewarned...that writing the Hash Trash
is suppose to be a kind and gentle venture...and that I must
refrain from causing hate & discontent...
Like for example...."Fuck You Pussy Whipted for Busting my
Balls"...and that I can't write stuff like that..
Slutty said to me...."Now Bah-Knee you be a good boy" and
just write nice thangs...Sooooo, I'll just move on to the
facts... The FRB was Hacker Wacker, the DFL and Principal
Violator was "No Strings Attached"...accompanied by the Goo
Crew... The weekly Fickle Finger of Fate, and Hash Shit
Award was again bestowed on Hacker Wacker....for skipping
two beers checks on his way to Claim the FRB Kudos
Whiner..."Ba-Da-Numbers"....for getting lost and after
receiving direction couldn't figure out which way is West &
North even while the compass points in that direction...and
held by her hand toward that Direction..
Mua, Me, Yo, Da GropeMeister again...hung out with
Hoser...Yep that's right...we had our dicks hanging out the
whole trail....cause for some reason...Hoser has this
uncanny ability to guess "Zen" where trail is going to
lead..Of course a little "Intel" work before the Hash always
helps 2....
Well....that's it folk....Bah-Knee trying to be nice, and
not offending any Hasher's out there...Hmmmm? This obviously
lead to a short Trash venture..
On-On...until never again, hopefully....TR where the Hell
are you..???
Groping Bah-Knee
EPH3 Presents
Hotter Than Hell Hash Part Deux
HASH TRASH #1534 and 1535
FROM THE DESK OF OSCAR-NOT-SO WILD AKA Dick Dry-Fuss
Saturday’s events began with the 30 Pack Marathon.
While not actually an El Paso Hash House Harriers event, plenty
of EPH3’ers were present, so it’s worth mentioning. Beer
Baddered put up a strong showing at the beginning, but fell out
somewhere around the 15 lap mark.
It was a great start to a great weekend, and it was good
to see so many EP Hashers showing support. So, sweaty, smelly,
and half-buzzed, I headed home to grab my Hash gear to start the
weekend. I stuck my head in the shower and pulled on my Free
Beer shirt, Tooth Faerie bandana, camo shorts and running shoes
and headed for Point A. Where there were about 4 people. What
the hell? Porta, Bi the Numbers, Just Alex and Puss in Boots are
all here. Where the hell is everybody? Pussy Whipt shows up
(along with a few others) and says everybody else parked around
the corner. No sooner had this processed than the Pony Express
shows up with a bus full of rowdy, ready-to-drink Hashers. Hugs
and handshakes (and, of course, some shit-talking and
ass-slappings) were shared all around.
HARES OUT. The trail was, for lack of a better word,
shitty. It was fairly straightforward until it hit Wal-Mart.
Puss in Boots, Just Alex, and myself went in, and completely
missed the right turn arrow just inside the door; it was in a
high-traffic area, and it had been rubbed off. Of course, the
hurt muscle in my left leg picks TODAY to freak out on me. I
can’t really run at this point, so I opt to hobble quickly and
dread wearing the dick necklace the next morning. I catch up
with Just Alex and manage to semi-jog along with him until we
catch the pack, running on the opposite side of
Mesa
toward I-10. We were just about to go under the overpass when
the pack shoots north along the interstate. SONUVA! We cross as
fast as we can (what’s with all these ‘car’ things that keep
getting in the way?) and find the pack stopped. What’s up? Oh,
they snared the Hare. A word of advice, Wakes Me: Don’t double
the trail back on itself 50 yards away within full view of the
hounds. At least you still have your dignity… er… pants. We lose
trail, find it again, lose it again, and follow it through some
of the sharpest, scratchiest, meanest shiggy we’ve seen in weeks
(or I have- I had one of those ‘job’ things everybody’s raving
about and missed a few trails… I still don’t see the allure).
There was a neat spot that went up a concrete rain wash with a
rope to assist with the climb, but Puff The Magic Drag Queen and
Company all said “Fuck that rope! We’re climbing the hill!”
After a long run of poorly (or, should we say ‘not at
all’) marked trail, we found point B down a hill by a rainwater
creek behind a new development.
I don’t know how they found it, but it was a great spot
for point B.
CIRCLE UP! This was one rowdy circle. Me and Beer
Baddered almost had to do the ‘out of control’ dance about 5
times- there was one particular moment where he was pulling off
his hat and I was looking for someone to hold my beer, but it
passed before we could make fools of ourselves. Ditch Sucker was
FRB, and snared the hare (I found out later that Wakes Me was
snared 3 times, but Works the Pole was able to ninja his way out
of trouble a time or two and managed to avoid a Virgin Snaring).
DFL changed about a dozen times. Cuntstallation got the Hash
Shit for calling Sir Licks-A-Lot ugly. Although, really, one
wouldn’t exactly call him a handsome dog. Just sayin’. Oh, what,
now I’m gonna get the Hash Shit next time Wakes Me hares? Bring
it on, sucka. [Hey Wakes Me, this one is too easy - Twat Rott]
The party was AWESOME. People showed up who weren’t even on
trail for whatever reason. We even saw Mary KY for the first
time in weeks. A few people were worried about finding Wakes Me
and PR’s place, but while driving down their street, they saw
that GIANT FUCKING SCHOOL BUS parked in their driveway; just
Pony’s subtle way of saying “The party is at this house,
idiots!” Much of the party I don’t remember, as there was just a
little bit of alcohol consumption that night. The food was
excellent, the band was great (and they might even join us for a
trail or two!), and some people even started playing naked pool
volleyball. The highlight of the evening was, of course, Doktor
Wang’s onesy. A few people, myself included, got the… er…
pleasure?... of watching him change into the damn thing. All I
have to say is this: Nice Banana Hammock, Wang. The onesy was
courtesy of Cabooty, who I hear traded Wang the onesy for his
shorts at a clothing check on trail two years ago. Words cannot
adequately describe the horror- go find a picture somewhere if
you don’t believe me. I have one on my phone in fact… find me on
trail and I’ll make you want to claw your own eyes out, too! I
went home about 4:00; all the beer was gone but a keg of Coors
Light (which I knew I’d have to suffer through during circle the
next day anyway) and people were starting to crash. I live about
a mile from Wakes Me and PR’s house, and I wasn’t totally drunk,
so after a couple of hours of sifting through PR’s 14000 song
iTunes account and playing good music for everybody, I had had
enough.
And then I woke up at 9:00 the next morning. I forgot to set my
alarm, but my inner Hash Clock said “Wake up, asshole! Time to
hash again!” Let me just say this:
the Hangover Hash may be the most aptly named hash in the
history of aptly named hashes. When I got back to the house, a
few people were outside enjoying the sun.
How much beer did I drink last night, exactly? After a
quick breakfast (coffee and a blueberry muffin, a bit of which
might have been consumed by Sir Licks-A-Lot and Just Frankie),
it was time to hash. Again. We took a few pictures, talked some
more shit, and holy shit it’s hot, is it really only 10:00 in
the fucking morning? HARES OUT (again)! The trail followed a
similar path to the Hound Hash, but without all those bothersome
markings. I’m noticing a trend with our good pal Wakes Me. After
a vicious YBF by the golf course, we had to zen our way to the
beer check (which had NO marks leading to or from it) and back
out to the worlds biggest checking. I don’t know if anybody else
got a picture of it, but it literally filled the entire street.
That was a well done check, props to the hares.
The highlight of the trail was the wetback portion of the show.
This is the part of the trail where we all get to spend a few
minutes seeing what it’s like to cross the Rio Grande in style,
and I don’t mean ‘using a bridge. Yes, the trail led RIGHT
THROUGH the damn river. There were even signs staked in the
middle with true trail marked on them for those who thought
maybe this was another YBF, despite the people cheering you on
and drinking beer on the other side screaming “This is point B!
Come on!” Most of us just jumped right in, a few of us pulled
off our shoes and kept them dry, but the ‘Awww’ moment of the
day goes to good old Sgt Goo: He blew up an inflatable pool bed
for his mistress, Happy Ending, and floated her right across the
river. What a gentleman. The ‘Eww’ moment, of course, was Porta
puking into the river about 5 seconds after jumping in.
On the other side, soggy, tired, hung over, and a little
disgusted by ourselves, we stripped down to shorts and it was
time to CIRCLE UP! Yet again, a rowdy circle. Frankie and Poncho
were going nuts, running around and jumping in to the river.
The rest of us were pretty much too enthralled by Porta’s
enthusiastic beer-bitching to pay much attention to the circle.
There were no virgins, so mostly it was all about punishing
those damn Racists (Ditch Sucker again, seriously?) and those
who were DFL (which might have been PR? I was drunk, again, by
that time, so I don’t really know). Just Eddie is owed a
whistle, and Doc Wang and I are debating whether he’ll be back
for it. Just Omar was named Rushin Crotch.
The big hash news of the day is that ELMER AND BALLSY ARE
GETTING FUCKING MARRIED. What!? Congrats to the Happy Hash
Couple. After the circle, a bunch of us decided it would be a
good idea to reenter the Rio
and follow it south until it crossed the Willows, where we would
exit and simply walk to Wakes Me’s place. This sounded like a
great idea to my drunken self, so I left everything in the B
truck (my shirt, shoes, wallet, keys and phone) and jumped in.
It was a great float, and most of us only drank a few mouthfuls
of river water. We had to turtle check every few hundred yards
to keep the pack together, but it was a small price to pay for
such a great time. Among the floaters were Puff the Magic Drag
Queen, Sgt Goo, Wakes Me, MyselfBeer Baddered, Used Rubber,
E=MC2, Pimp My Bride and Just Eddie, Dui Done Right, Elmer and
Ballsy (I think), and Sir Licks-A-Lot. I’m sure there were
others, but my memory is hazy as hell.
Once out of the river, I realized I’d made a
serious miscalculation: I left my shoes in the B truck. And we
had a hundred yards of shiggy to get through and a couple
hundred yards of levy to walk, plus the few blocks to Wakes Me’s
place. This wouldn’t have been so bad except that the ground was
HOT. And my feet burned. Literally- the soles of my feet got
first degree burns on them. It would have been much worse, but
Beer Baddered offered me his socks, which were, mercifully, wet.
By the time we made it to the street, Slutty showed up with her
truck and let us pile in the back. I, Pimp My Bride, and Just
Eddie rode with her back to the house. Thank God for you, Miss
Trash. You saved my feet.
The rest of the day is a blur. I changed into my
swimsuit right in the street, and I assume nobody saw me,
because the police were never called. It took about 18 pizzas to
fill the bellies of all the hungry hashers (and about as many
tamales, too), and we managed to float the keg of Coors and kill
two thirty packs of Bud Light to boot. The day ended with the
sunset atop Wakes Me and PR’s house.
It transpired that Puss In Boots lost his keys in the
river (or somewhere on trail, but the river is the story we’re
going with because that’s just damn hilarious) and couldn’t get
a dealership on the phone (because it was Sunday and they were
all closed) to get a new key made. So he had to borrow PR’s
Hyundai to get home. And since he was locked out of his truck,
he couldn’t get to his glasses, so he had to drive home with his
prescription sunglasses on. At night. Wakes Me left me a great
voice mail about this- I’ve saved it, and I’ll play it for
anyone who’s interested in hearing it. It was a great way to cap
off the night. And that’s my side of the story. I’ve left out
almost everything, but that’s the general overview. [General? Imagine if he included specifics? - Twat Rott]
The hash owes a HUGE thank you to Wakes Me When It’s Over and
Pussy Rican for letting us use and trash their beautiful house.
They are great hosts, and our hash is truly blessed to have
them. Until next trail, wankers - ZZZZzzzzzz! Oscar Not So Wilde
Hash Trash #1528
June 27, 2010
They say it has never happened (or at least no one
can remember) but it did. “Four beer checks and NO WALKING
TRAIL?” asked Porta. I bet he cooked an extra pot roast that
night trying to figure out how this trail could mange to squeeze
in so many beer checks. Sgt. Goo, Puff the Magic Drag Queen and
No String Attached convened on El Paso’s Eastside (again) for
yet another hot hash! Damn, it takes 3 boyz to plan a quasi-live
trail? Well, if you’re talking about the GOO boys, it does. The
hounds met up at I-got-Blackie_Chests Park. Note—the kiddos—with
no flour in hand– huddled a couple of times before the start of
the trail as more hashers trickled in
ready to catch them some hare. Most noticeably, Red
Rocket arrived in his “larger than life—WTF Hummer 1” Yeah I
know. Damn boy, you shaving more than dog balls..you shaving
some rich MILF pussy(cats)? BessNuss is good, eh? Not soon
enough did Porta start fidgeting… ”The hares aren’t out, the
hares aren’t out!” Why, cause EDWARD (Goo) and BELL SWAN (Happy Endings)
were too busy talking about god knows what? “Tell me you love
me, Gooey.” *low voice* “I can’t, everyone is looking at me,”
exclaimed Goo. “You know that Jacob will ‘wolf out for me’ at
any time,” said Happy. “Stop it, Porta’s eyes are red and he’s
not even drunk and the guys are only carrying Gatorade and not
chalk! Can I go now??” “GO ALREADY Goo!!!” we all yelled out!
It’s effen-HOT! Finally, Goo led his hares on the trail—Gatorade
in hand and one CHALK.
Hounds out! We thought we had it made when we saw
the 3 head South—Porta opted to zen his ass over to
Zaragoza
while the rest of us followed trail. Eargasm, Ballsy, Heineken
and the rest hit a shitty ass mark that read, “Go back to ‘A’
WTF??? Go back to A? We just left. Stay in school, kids, this is
what happens when your mother let’s you hash at a young ...OH
WAIT, scratch that. Well, Ballsy, Eargasm, Toyz,the kids and I
decided to zen East ‘cause we were not about to hump back to A.
So we did, and we got lost. I felt better knowing that an R.N.
and a plastic surgeon were with me...at the very least, Ballsy
could revive me and Eargasm could botox my sundried, leather
FACE if things got worse. Well, ON our way to Americas
EXIT, we decided that we best head back closer to A. By then,
most of the hounds were already on trail. We did find an emptied
beer check though and at least I saw penis. CST’s penis mark. We
entered the ditch and met up with some other hounds. I think we
were on trail—who the hell knows? Hey, it was HOT. I have to say
though, Balls in Hands marks her trail. No really. She sees a
Check In, she marks, she walks, she marks, she thinks of Elmer,
she marks..thank you Ballsy. Surprisingly, I didn’t see any
WANGMARKS. How could that be?
As we headed towards Zaragoza again, we
spotted another emptied beer check. Not bad boyz. You may not
lay live but you make up with it in BEER Checks. Running across
the parking lots, we ended up on front of Lowe’s then to
Tinseltown theatre. Whistles? WOW!! I heard whistles as we
headed behind the theatres. Can it be B? YES!!Short and sweet.
We found B. Ok we found PORTA. Same shit since he’s an FRB
anyway. The keg was readied and the circle initiated. In the
absence of our beloved and sometimes perturbed RA, Porta John
led the circle. Shit, I didn’t know so many accusations existed!
Why? I was too busy eating CACA-AGUATES JAPONES with
scotch-aficionado - Elmer.
PR caught me hogging the chips while Barney kept
adjusting the cam. We named Just James (I think) and drank some
more. Recruitment continued with no avail and we managed to
behave the rest of the circle. Alas, Penis Envied Red Rocket
loaded up his cruiser as the circle drew to an end. I didn’t go
to the on after so tuff caca. NO DETAILS. Half-minded peeps—stay
cool until the next time. ON ON. Twat Rott.
SPECIAL HASHERS:
FRB— Pussy Rican
DFL –
Food Stamp
HashShit: Eargasm
100 Patch—Ballsy and Pussy Rican
25th—Toyz for Twats
Named: Just James—Premature Incarceration
YBFd back to A – Bi the Numbers, Pink in the Middle, Pink Slit,
Elmer Pud Phucker, Balls In Hand, Hacker Wacker, My Teacher Made
Me Cum, CockEye, Groping Barknee, Fuck Me My Ass Hurts, Moose
Knuckle, Hung Daddy, Ghana Spank M’Monkey, Happy Ending, Red
Rocket, Pimp My Bride, E=Mc2, Just Carlos (next named), Used
Rubber, Cock Shock, TR, Heineken Skywalker, Ditch Sucker, Anal
Akbar, Sushi Taco
Hash Trash #1532
July 18, 2010
Wanna shout out especial thanks to Barney the
Groping Hasher for writing the last hash trash. I asked him to
write this one since I WAS ON TRAIL. “Just lie,” he said. So as
with many things that affect our hash every once in a while—I”LL
HAVE TO LIE a bit. However, I promise not offend anyone
(intentionally) and please if you are from out of town—don’t
hate me because I’m beautiful—hate me because your husband
thinks I’m beautiful. Orale! Ok, so are you all still whining
about the long ass trail? WHAT? We did offer a “walker’s trail”
to which most of you ignored. Yes you did. Cuz Porta said that
when everyone was busy smelling each other’s ass at “A” no one
bothered to listen when he announced the split. Of course HE
didn’t listen either since he RAN the entire walker’s trail. “I
was on blue but then the chalk turned pink—it was magical how I
happen to get to B.” Um, Porta, the pink and blue chalk marks
merged at “BEER NEER.”
Ok, so the team consisted of two virgins—yes 2!
E=mc2 and Crouching Vagina, Hidden Penis—who along with yours
truly and my upper half, Cock Shock met on
El Paso’s East side. A fan of the Big
Lewboski, both Crouching Vagina and Emc2 wanted to start at Bowl
El Paso. Shit, when we left to drop off
beer checks, we had 15 hashers, at the start, were over 50!
Like Janet Jackson’s song says, “They say it wouldn’t
last…” Man so many itching to hash. We readied ourselves while
Cock gave E=Mc2 some last minute advise—”DON’T GET CAUGHT or
you’ll be drinking out of my size 15 shoe.”
She was too busy pulling down her ultra mini skirt and
adjusting her boobs to care what CST was saying anyway. I think
she was knitting too.HARES OUT! CST incorrectly marked trail
right at onset. You make someone a “hasher” and boom, they think
they’ve got it down! ”I’ve been hashing since ‘67 with the, um,
Persia
Hash House Harriers.” Chicano, pleeeeaaasssseee. But in his
defense, and I ain’t using his REAL NAME, he did a great job in
keeping us gals in check and taking Ms. Emc up 2 rigorous hills.
I on the other hand knew the dangers of a PortaZen.
Vagina kept herself in stealth mode by climbing over rooftops
while I marked true trail. The 100 degree weather didn’t help
either as I made my way over and under each ridiculous obstacle.
Crouchy even had time to roundhouse 2 creeps who were
eyeing our 2nd beer check. Not soon after we arrive at B,
Porta makes his appearance! WTF? Before Hoser? “I didn’t
run the walkers trail, I hopped over the marks!”
Twenty minutes later a flood of tired and hot hashers
made their way to B. How hot was it? Let’s just say some of the
hashers resorted to stealing water from Poncho’s bowl. That hot.
Circle UP to the consumption of DARK BEER—taking our buzz to
inebriation in 6.2 seconds. By her second beer, Crouchy was
CROUCHING, I was kissing Used Rubber, Cock was cuddling Wakes Me
and EMC was outsmarting Wang, again. It’s accusation time as our
RA attempted to keep the circle under control—a difficult task
since many were either drunk or dehydrated Whew! Our lovely
Cabooty nursed many back to an upright position (no pun
intended) with tasty watermelon.
EPH3 SPECIAL HASHERS:
FRB— Porta John
DFL – Strawberry SD
100 Bandana - CST
HashShit—Pussy Rican
Named- Zelina—Meat Lover
Visiting hashers – Cliff Cringle (Agaña Guam HHH),
Candy Ass & Candy Man (Huachuca)
Newly installed here – Cums Dumps Goes, via Other
Orlando H3 & Southside Seoul H3
Voigins – Just Chuckie, Just Rene, Just Eddy, Just
Claudia, Just Hahvey, Just Derrick, Just Tim
Hotter’n Hashers – WorksThePole, Cuntstellation, Used Rubber, AssFurr, Da
Pinks, Pussy Whipt, Just
Nelson, Wakes Me When Its Over (auctioning clothes), Eargazm & Just Mariola,
Dickathlete, Pimp My
Bride (with her intended!), Ditch Sucker, Ditch the Bitch, Food Stamp, Puss
In Boots, Dr Wang,
Moose Knuckle, Puffy, Teacher, Oscar, Bi the Numbers
Our on-after became another
successful event as we met up at Bowl El Paso. Beer Battered
gathered the hashers for a game of naked bowling while
our harriettes entertained the young male virgins. I think they
had high hopes of hooking up—Gentlemen, harriettes are a
different breed—you’ll need to a) drink more than them b)
NOT giggle when groped and c) lay a successful trail. The group
continued with the debauchery and Puffy kept on face booking.
Call her already!!!
“Vemember, if you have a half-mind, that is all you need—and if
you have a scab, don’t play with it,
eventually it will fall off!” ON ON TWAT ROTT
Hash Trash #1533
July 25, 2010
Knock knock
Who's there?
Yoga
Yoga who?
Yoga to try hashing, it feels amazing!
I’d like
to know how a yoga instructor, a soon-to-be Buddhist
priest-quasi-ninja and a post-pubescent kid laid this trail? I
can just see Dickathlete’s face —Duh? “I came here to pick up
chicks and shit—how cum PR
gave us ‘drawings’ just to lay a trail?”
Ahhh little buck, didn't anyone tell you? Our harriettes
are both hot AND SMART! The weather was definitely on their side
when the group met up at EP Fitness off of Paragon. Someone
rubbed Buddha the right way that day. Forewarned, EVERYONE had
their hash cash in hand for fear of drinking Hung Daddy’s urine
at the circle. Proud
of her man, I witnessed Crouchy giving Pope Bendadick some last
minute advise, “Ok sensei, these are a DIFFERENT type of Zen
masters—they drink lots of beer,
twist their nipples and ignore marks.”
Hares Out!
Dickathlete sprinted his ass down
Mesa
while Pope stopped in the middle of street to carry a tarantula
over to safety.
“Oye jincho, andale que nos van agarrar con las manos en la
masa,” yelled Pussy Rican.
Meanwhile back at “A” I interviewed 2 virgins— Lucas’ boy Hector
and Anal’s just Randy. Maaaannnn, I hope they come back. By the
way, did anyone notice that our point A’s is beginning to look
more like a carnival? I mean we have haberdashery vendors, we
have food, we have sunbathers, we have beer and boy do we have
freaks!
WALKING! Porta,
of course ran the opposite direction while the rest of the brew
crew followed trail.
I, too busy chatting with Cuff Me and CV, ended up with Porta,
Puss and Wakes Me—only to find
PRELAID TRAIL. Uh
huh! Porta jumped all over it like Sir Licks-Alot to our crotch.
The over-schooled Wakes Me figured if we hash backwards
and yell ‘NO NO,’
we’d eventually run into the hares. But what do we know? Shit an
MD has to be better than a GED, no? So we listened and along the
way we picked up Puffy and another virgin.
We made
our way up to a nearby neighborhood only to find “walker’s
trail.” Wakes Me with his ethics in check (ethics = balls)
refused to run on the walker’s trail and forced us to return to
the last mark and sniff out runner’s marks.
Meanwhile, Cuff Me educated our virgin on backward
haring, geology, and the mating habits of millipedes.
After a long 10 minutes, we ran into PW, Teacher and Cums
Dumps Goes who were on trail.
Continuing with our HashEthics, we got back on true trail
and made our way to B. Sound confusing? It was. Porta, CST and a
couple of lazy ass hashers who had decided to wait near “B, ”
mocked us for following trail. WTF?
Circle UP!
Yappers were quickly silenced and names were bestowed. We
experience some technical difficulties—clogged keg pump and a
clogged up ego. At
least the beer flowed—- can’t say much for Hung Daddy though!
Used Rubber and EMC2 and a couple of DFLs finally made it to “B”
after their 20 mile hike. (Thanks CST) Beer Baddered did keep
Pinky and Cobb Gobbler (a.k.a.
Swallows Her Spit) silent for at least one hash song.
Whew!
EPH3 SPECIAL HASHERS:
FRB— Porta John AGAIN?
DFL – Kenya Spank?
HashShit—Puss n Boots
Named– Fucky Sucky 5 dolla and No Sex Like Man Sex
Voigins – Just Lionel, Just Stan, Just Devin, Just
Richie, Just Ryan
Visiting hashers – Cliff Cringle, Guam & Shigless
(thought she lived here?), Hellions of Odessa
Hell-ready Hashers – Puffy, Goo, Bi da Numbers, Hacker Wacker,
Hates Me, Slutty, WoiksdaPole, The Pinks w/Just Mari, CVHP, Used
Rubber, Beer Baddered, Pimp My Bride, Just Omar, Food Stamp,
Happy Ending, Anal Akbar, Pussy Whipt, Dr Wang, Twat Rott, Cuff
Me + Stuff Me, Strawberry Short Dick, Red Rocket,
Cuntstellation, U Suck My Cock, Toyz4Twats, Cums Dumps Goes,
Just Alex, Hung Dad, Oscar NSW, JustDerrick, DUI Done Right,
Just Chris, Teacher, Moose Knuckle, Just Joyce, Cumsquach & Sir
Licks A Lot,
CobbGobbler
On-after
was at the King of the Hill X
formally Kings X.
Shiggless opted to grant Dr. Wang a full blown, naval
shot. Let me give you the image—ready? She lays over a table,
lifts her shirt,
clears the lint out of her naval, closes her eyes, clinches the
side of the table like when we visit the OBGYN, and calls Dr.
Wang over. Wang (yes Wang) - puts down his cigarette, licks his
Carmex-starved lips, and walks slowly to her, bends over, sticks
out his tongue and sucks “la” tequila from her ombligo! UPCHUCK
and WOW Dr. Wang, you da mang!
Meanwhile, Meat Lover’s Deelight (with no apparent signs
of a torn ligament) walked in sporting her cowgirl gear and
rack. “Hey Sissy, Buds calling and he wants his Mustang back!!”
She did disappoint many hashers and probably some harriettes
when she sat by what appeared to be her buckaroo. I was told the
hashers continued to party till wee hours of the night till
hillbillies kicked ’dem out! Until the next hash
- Remember, if you have a half mind that’s all you need!
ON ON. Twat Rott.
June 13, 2010
The Pinky Promise:
HOSER DIDN’T AUTO HASH TODAY!!!
Yes SHE did!!! Ms. Sexy Pinky Slit coupled-(ated) with Hose Handler - met
this past Sunday to lay trail on
El Paso’s Eazsighhhhh Bitches! Finally
for some– the long drive to the Westside took a backseat when we
met up at Marty Robbins park. True to our promise to arrive on
time, we did only to find that Ms. Pinky was still at home. I’ll
let Cock Shock Therapy have his way with this one on Facebook.
One by one the hounds trickled in. First and foremost I
have to say that this lay not only had a great trail (so they
told me), but gave us the complete package[check] - beginning to
end. No Cock teasing
here baby! However we may have some renaming to do due to post
hashbehavior from our hounds and harriettes—more on that later.
Virgins and more virgins and we didn’t even have to go to local boys club
#69 to recruit! If you tap it, they will come. Sorry kiddos, you
ain’t drinking if your pee pee don’t have hair on it, k? Just
that our peeps ACTUALLY have jobs and we don’t wanna have to
explain why we contributed to the delinquency of minors
especially since we’re still trying to explain how Heineken
pumped last week’s keg better than Crouchy. Don’t worry, there
is always enough material for your “spank bank” during an EPH3
hash. Hares OUT! - Pinky (aka Mexitar) took her long-ass stride
alongside her mentor. I stayed with the group for the onset of
the trail, but soon found myself lost with Cabooty. I knew she
could run faster than Hoser could walk and so I took a chance.
Besides, I wanted to increase my sexiness by association. I mean
she FBooks her morning runs every day—”Cabooty ran 105 mi on Jun. 16, 02:29 am (Time: 00:48:00).” Yeah I know. FRBeatch. Well, I’d figured, if I got lost, at least I knew
where “A” was. So she and I headed towards Lee
Trevino—paralleling the rest of the
pack. I’m
surprised on the lack of boob checks on trail—Hoser having been
recently baptized as a boob man,- WAIT! I WASN’T on trail.
We Zenned our asses around and down toward I-10 hoping to
spot trail. (I know you wanna hear about the circle up part)
Ok...but before I do, we really did Zen to B. Some Pussies
in boots called it luck, we call it experience. We could see
hounds East of our trail when I got to James Whatt the Phuck and
there ...clear as our urine during a random drug test, I saw a
trail mark! And then BEER NEER! Hey, it’s Head Blower’s place!
Haven’t been there since the Bad Hair Day Hash. B! For the
record, we did back track
to double check the trail—how could it be that we got so
lucky? EXPERIENCE bitches!
Besides Hoser wasn’t even at B. Hmmmm. When he did arrive, he quickly
accused us of CHEATING. ‘C'mon Hoser, we Zenned and found B
–don’t be hatin, be lovin!
Besides Porta was back and Wakes Me brought Fosters!!
Once again, our beautiful MILF– Ballsy was nominated for
the Hashshit—she swallowed like a champ too! After the last
accusation all I could say is “Man, did the group celebrate or
what?” My peripheral was (again) in FULL SCAN. Harriettes were
on full duty and our beloved Hash Harlot—Sushi Taco was scanning
the Lone Star. Ok ok relax..not gonna go there—but Cabooty,
sporting her teeni-mini kilt—did stage a harriete dance behind
Hoser’s truck—Used Rubber had babysitting duty, and Shigless’
hole got bigger (jean hole). Balls were flying, boobs were
prelubed and B.A. levels were rising AND SO we stayed little
longer. Clucker Phucker, in his usual fashion, showed up late or
EARLY depending on what day you’re on. The group met up at
Maverick’s for the on after. Apparently that’s the last time
too—We simply don’t tolerate hashintolerance especially for our
4-legged friends.
It is safe to say that this time it was ALL PORTA’S FAULT!
If you have a half mind, bring it next time—ON ON Twat
Rott.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hash Trash #1525
June 6, 2010
THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY! We’ve got Bush and Clouds?
Well I’ll be damned...just flown in from my trip to
Boston and the devil has decided to use
El Paso
as his ironing board eh? Cabron it was hot. What happened? Well,
the GODS were crazy for the hash that day. Clouds, wind and more
clouds. What can be better? I’d tell ya but CST hasn’t tried it
on me yet. Dogg E.
Porn and Cunti promised a long and well marked trail on El Paso WEZside? Peeps are
asking, how cum there’s no trails on the Eastside? Sign up and
lay my broder and sista!
You get to choose the location...how about one in
Horizon
City???
Before the hash, Wakes Me prelubed at his casa—missing
his Pussy—he welcomed us to his home. There the pack, along with
his pack, cooled off before the hash. By the way, Hoser is NOW a
boob man.
The hounds met on Redd near the Walmart. Is it me or did anyone
notice that THAT parking lot was free of used diapers? Oh and
Wakes Me’s guests were conspiring a way to zen their asses back
to his pool. The pack readied themselves sporting their
camelbacks, gatorade and 1000 SPF protection. Except for Hoser—who
mocked us all. “Why did you guys bring WATER? For what? You all
spent all that money on your packs”...blah blah..Hey RA, we
don’t all autohash our asses to “B” under the protection of
FREON—Okay?!!!! Yeah, I said it.
Now I’m gonna get it!!!
Hey MOSES...get back to the desert and let us suck on our
hoses. Hares out! Used Rubber and Pink Slit modeled their “Woman specific”
camelback—all this means is that it has an extra 3 industrial
size snaps to support their DD cups.
Oh, did I mention Hoser is now a boob man? Hounds
out...the large pack headed up to Franklin High school. Before that, I specifically
remember asking Heineken Skywalker to stay with me. “Hey
Heineken, Porta is not here, don’t you try to mock him by
wanting to be FRB, ok?” He just stared at me and replied, “mande?”
Did he listen? NO. Crouching Vagina and Toyz both zoomed
passed everyone—Extra batteries? I think so.
Pretty soon we encountered some intense wind-age—Hey, we weren’t
complaining—rather bugs in our mouths than chafing between our
legs. Pimp my Bride
and her siblings were going back and forth “competing”
nonetheless, for a front bastard position. Yeah, I saw you!
Moosenuckle was busy collecting FB profile names so he could
reach 10,000 friends by the end of the month—HEY, you wanna send
my abuelita a Farmville request to find your sheep or what?? The
trail continued on a whirl wind of zig zags, down and around the
west side neighborhoods. I think I was with Used Rubber who kept
adjusting her top (her breasts KEPT POPPING out of her bathing
suit). By the way, she has a twin in the hash and it ain’t her
SISTER. Sorry gentlemen, I believe she prefers Lesbian Boy if
I’m not mistaken—ON ON to our new sista! And just we thought
trail was over, it went up the mountain to High Ridge Park. I was on my last breath when I
realized I had not seen Heineken the entire trail. I crawled
through Sunday picnics, as I made my way to B.
FRB Heineken was already playing in the cacti and with a
Tetanus infected rebar that my fellow hashers had probably given
him. Crouching
Vagina, was chosen for beer bitching duties but only managed to
serve 2 down downs before complaining— “I don’t know how to do
this...I’ve never served beer—I’ve only served Chi and Green
Tea.” Teacher was bitching that we were over pumping the keg—he
hovered over the keg like Food Stamp on a harriette—Oh shit,
that’s in the near future...
Circle UP!!! We
managed to pitch out a naming for Just Damien while his hot
mother frolicked around the circle. Beer Battered “pollinated”
as many harriettes as he could tip toe too including Ms. Slutty
White Trash—who wasn’t very impressed—”Hey Beer Battered, is it
in yet?” After a
serious of accusations, the group decided to stay until the last
drop. Besides, our hounds were too busy being cockteased by the
harriettes. Could it
get any better? Yes! NO SUN and the PONY EXPRESS. I vaguely
remember, but I think Pony got a bonus boob check from someone
before we took off—not gonna say who. Pony, you are one lucky
hasher. Hashers want to know - when you get home, do you smell
your seat? Until next time, if you have a half-mind, that’s all
you need.
ON ON. Twat Rott
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
HASH TRASH May 30, 2010
#1524 TOOTH FAIRIE MEMORIAL HASH
Palabra Jot Write a little Hash a Lot!
I’m Baaaaaaaack from my hi-anus! Been a bit busy,
fried, and moody. After the events that took place during
Eargasm’s virgin lay, I decided to honor Eargam’s ‘wefucked
trail by masturbating for every chalk and flour mark he and PW
left for us. So as you might imagine, MY HANDS WERE BUSY!
Needless to say, that day we instituted our new naming committee
(again),
collectively use our HEADS (head, who said head?), and came up
with some dumbass names. No no, we did a’right. I’m just glad PW
wasn’t in the mood to name that day, cuz Just Oscar would have
been named “Fuck you Fucking Fuck” and Just V?—”Vaginal Waste.”
But he didn’t and EVEN offered to lay an even longer trail some
time in the future. That day, half the dumbasses were FRB’s so
we won’t get in to that right now.
During the next couple of hashes something surreal
happened—Porta was absent. Yes, you heard it right—decided to go
on and celebrate his wife's tolerance of him—think he went
camping another Sunday and then went off somewhere
else—*whispering* I think they call it “recovery.” Oh and who
else? Dr. Wang! Finally got poor old Ms. D. Eisenhower to fork
over the last of her Savings Bonds to purchase a 2-week Hawaiian
getaway. “I left 2 cases of Ensure in the fridge BITCH!” He also
left Barney in charge of the sign in sheets and hash
outcomes—think Barney still mourning the departure of his Rose
is a Rose is a-GONE and forgot to send them!
Despite our half wanking minds, Hoser and Ditch
managed to organize the Anal Memorable Hash! Those of you who
are new to the hash, we celebrated a beloved hasher named Tooth
Faerie who left us too soon :( His beautiful wife, Ditch da
Bitch is a reminder of his good taste in women, and the El Paso
Hash is a reminder of his good taste in friends! A wonderful
turn out ..’course WE were late with the extra cooler and Wakes
got mad. But he didn’t stay mad for long—because he started
drinking and forgave ONLY Cock Shock. Dats a’right...dats okay.
Why the extra beer you may ask? Welllll the previous
night we celebrated with a pre-lube. As usual we had more beer
than food. Dogs, kids, offenders, and half-minds showed up to
pay tribute to TF— sporting their new bandanas designed for the
occasion. Dogg E. Porn and Cunti brought their dozen dogs while
the punky Ms. Maria KY sported her threads. RA announced that on
trail we’d find
Woodies! The harriettes ‘sighed’ thinking Hoser had laid 1000
package checks!
Hares out!!! From the corner of Airway and Montana, the large group
proceeded across the street ONLY to find themselves in front of
our first BEER CHECK! ON IN bitches! At close to 100 degrees,
who wouldn’t welcome that eh? I decided to take the under-aged
hashers back on trail. Knowing that they are too young to blow,
count to 3 or cross the street by themselves, Cuff Me and I let
them on to the 2nd and almost immediate ON IN! Yup, Ditch da
Bitch and Hoser know how to lay a trail!
We skipped it again and that’s where Heineken found his
first woody. Reaching down he touched it, took it, smiled and
hashed on. Face Shot and Clit Eastwood helped find more trail as
we hashed back across
Montana. I felt like the COCK-o-Dry
Humper as I led the kids on a hunting adventure. No sooner did
the rest of the pack get back on trail, I get lost. Eventually,
Cuff Me and I made our way back to true trail—until we hit the
wall. Cock shock surprisingly found B—even though he was BEHIND
me. Yeah I know. Cuff and I made our way to B. Circle UP!!! Was
Porta there?? Probably his fault anyway.
Keg was ready for
consumption and celebration AND there were baby hashers
everywhere! Ballsy regressed and opted to roll her butt down the
hill with Swallow’s boyz while H2Ho and Face down introduced
their littlest hasher...
On a serious note— We were there to celebrate the
life of our friend Tooth Faerie..Thank you Hoser and Ditch for
making it a grand trail and circle up. Like Hoser said, anyone
who knew TF was in essence “blessed.” He was a grand person,
smart as hell, witty and had great teeth! He was a true
gentlemen. I mean look at who he married!! Need I say more???
Ditch—thank you for allowing us to celebrate your husband.
Even though many of our newbees did not have the pleasure
of meeting Robert, they will be reminded time and time again
because that is what EPH3 is all about. Until next time...if you
have a half mind that’s all you need!
ON ON
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
WEEKLY MINI ROTT: Full Moon Hash
April 28. 2010
EPH3 Presents
Bad Moon Hash #1517
I see the Hash moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see Hose n Pinky Zenning'.
I see Puss pissed today.
(CHORUS:)
Don't go zen’n around tonight,
Well, it's bound to take your wife,
There's a Hash moon on the rise.
I hear Hoser screams ablowing.
I know PW’s coming soon.
I fear he’ll never start the Circle.
I hear Hoser’s voice of rage and ruin.
(CHORUS)
Hope you got your chalk together.
Hope you are quite prepared to mark.
Looks like we're in for nasty whining.
Even with cops a-stopping in the dark.
(CHORUS)
Hare – Cock Shock
Therapy
FRB – for the
first time, Puff the Magic Drag Queen
Hashit – Cabeauty
DFL – Paging
Doctor Faggot (getting outta the Army, now!, on his way to Austin) took it,
but Hoser and Pink Slit, lost in the dark
Dead On Trail –
Pussy Whipt, Puss In Boots
Must get named –
Just Marc II, Just Jess, Just V
Sub RA – PortaJohn
To the rescue –
Sushi Taco
Cumming problemo -
Whoreo
Lunatards,
targeted by John Law –NO DICK for U! Heineken Skywalker & Twat,
Lil Easy, Used Rubber, Anal Akbar, Baa Baa Lost Shit, Beer
Badderd, Eat=mycunt2wice & Doktor Wang
And no dogs!
Need I say more?
Sin fin. ON ON! Twat Rott
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
HASH TRASH Who let the dogs out??? #1514
April 11,
2010 #1514
3rd Anal
MADD Dawg 20/20 Memorial Run
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
Who
let the Barn out???? Woof woof woof woof wo wo woof…Whoooooooooo
let the Barn out? Woof woof woof woof woof??
Holy hell fire shit…was that da Barney we saw at our
anal dog run? Did he finish all his honey dos? Aren’t we
relieved he isn’t writing THIS ONE? Just saying…This
hash IS one of our favorites - honoring our beloved Madd
Dawg 20/20 (who is now hashing in eternal joy
surrounding by doggie treats and fire hydrants) and all
hashing and non hashing dogs who bring us so much joy!
‘sniff sniff’
We met up early for our quarterly MisManagement meeting
- late only to find that our GMc had already started
taking notes! Wow! Isn’t that our On-Sec’s job? Soon
after that the pack began to make their way in to Point
A – Pussy Rican’s casa! Our canine hosts Franky and
Poncho were ecstatic to see their buddies arrive. There
sure was a lot of butt smelling going on…till Pinky
snapped at Wang….”Hey carbon, don’t you be touching my
boob…just cause Hoser honors them, don’t mean it’s a
free for all..a’right?” I thought we’d be seeing his
tiny bitch fly across the pool….dats for sure! The
beautiful and still glowing Rectal Monitor introduced us
to the littlest hasher and her sister although she
CLAIMS her as her mother..right. MAN that baby is
soooooooooooooooooooo cute! We need a NaMING: Tiny Limb!
[I couldn’t resist].
BUT WAIT A MINUTE..NO Dogg E. Porn. What? Come que no
Dogg E. Porn? It’s ain’t right! And NO Just Brutus??
Oooooh wait, I remember, he doesn’t do well in the heat
‘cause he’s a purebread and nana nana na na nana..yeah
whaterver! Pinche perro delicado! The neighborhood
looked like Consuelo’s daughter’s Quinceañera..whooo hooo!
We parked..well EVERYWHERE..if there was a space..there
was a parking. The Pony Express introduced the Chile
Pick’n Party Platform. Neighbors sprung out of their
homes hoping to hire one of us to paint their house!
Simma Sima down Willow peeps..we
are tax paying AMERI-can-do’s ---and um sorry for the
oil stains.
Bitches out!!! Our hares Pussy Rican and Ms. Ballsy
prepared a great trail fit for two and four legged
hashers. By the way, you can tell we’re not from the
area because NOT ONE OF US carried zip lock (poop bags).
What? What? It’s biodegradable, no? Shit…we carry
bologna – isn’t that good enough? Pony a.k.a. the dog
whisperererer… stood by the CPPP and handed out dogs
like queso at the beginning of the month -“Who wants to
take one of my dogs? Anyone? Anyone?” Heineken, Pussy
Whipt, Lil Easy, her bo-hunk, Just Bryan, Turd, Used
Rubber, Just Veronica and some newbies headed off to the
‘runner’s trail’ and immediately got lost. Where
the hell was the blood hound when we needed him? Some
actually started following BJ hasher Yo Mama despite
countless warnings that that he DID NOT know where he
was going. I can’t remember if that other BJ chick..you
know the “cat lady” who comes out on 20/20’s Predator
show was following too or out looking for pussy. Then we
hit the wall. Yup…they even chalked instructions to get
our asses over it. Yeah - thanks Ms. Size 2 and 4. Let’s
just say those boyz found out why they named me TWAT
ROTT. Yup like a perfect gentleman, Lil Easy’s man
helped me over that damn wall. Guy….I have two words for
you: TOMATO JUICE. The
pack managed to stay together most of the trail up until
we hit the El Paso Country Club! Damn G…dem are some
purty houses! Bet they’re not bitching about my
President, eh??? [Off my podium]. Thank
god THEY water their trees cause we hit shade most of
the trail!!! In
my usual fashion, I recruited hashers to lay upcoming
trails….So? so? We eventually made our way towards the Rio
Grande to
find that the pack had already made it to B!!
Alas the pack and the pack circled up! Who let the Dogs
out?? We did! That other A.W.O.L.ed BJ hasher who was
dating that red headed chick..don’t know here name
..well her dog was a-hatn the pack. Hey CESAR!!!! We
have a RED Zone Case. Damn..you burly looked at his “out
of standard” Boxer face and he growled - then snapped at
our groins!!!! Paquito managed to go untazed and Banjo
was out looking for Max. And
then it happened. From a distance, like an unregistered
sex offender, we see Clucker Fucker sitting in his van.
WTF is he doing? I mean, he’s already passed the “hash
cash pay zone” so why not drive up? Well he did and
drank for it. We had 3 namings to do too..that’s 3 too
many for OUR pack. Well at least Dr. Wang didn’t throw
one of his hissy-fits. The
pack and pack sang, howled, and sniffed each other’s
asses and Hoser even added two more accusations!!!! We
once again boarded the Pony Express 2 furnished with
special seating thanks to Farmer’s Dairy. We held on to
our kids and dogs and made our way back to A. Other
items of interest:
Hares – Balls In Hand & Pussy Rican
Hashit - Mary KY
Hundredth bandana – Balls In Hand WOW after 3 years!
Named – Just Joseph -> Face Shot, Just Bryan -> Puff the
Magic Drag Queen, Just Phoenix -> Defurred after she
showed WHY she should be named this
Hash hounds – too many to list
Showed up at Point A – Rectal Monitor, baby & mom /
Think Clitigation did the same thing, to drop off doggee
treats
Only one virgin signed up – Just Johnny
Visiting hasher – Cumfusion Say, ColumbiaH3 and Yo Mamma
In recuperation – Wakes Me When it’s Over
Super cumming problemos – Fudgie Packer, Strawberry
Short Dick Forever, Groping BarKnee
The resuvus – Yours truly, Cock Shock Therapy, Bi the
Numbers, PortaJohn, Elmer Pud Phucker, Used Rubber, Just
Eli, Just Clayton, Paging Doctor Faggot, STIFFY, Pussy
Whipt, Pink Slit, Heineken Skywalker, Puss In Boots,
Baby Wood, Just Veronica, Lil Easy, Hoser, Limp Limb,
Just Jess, Anal Akbar, Turd Burglar, Furr Burger with
Thighs, Hacker Wacker, Dr Wang, Clit Eastwood, Clucker
Fucker, Itchy N Scratchy
Let’s us think about our true intention for this run –
to celebrate our 4-legged friends. Thanks to all who
attended and who donated for our worthy cause. And
remember to spay and neuter your pets, drink all your
beer and join us next week for another hare raising
adventure!
Sin fin. On On. Twat Rott
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EASTER
WHERE ARE MY HASH TRASH 4/4/10
April 4,
2010
Easter
Hash #1513
Where are my Huevos?
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
Here comes Peter Cock-On-Trail,
Hashin' down the crumby trail,
Hippity hoppity, On On On
Point B’s on its way.
Bringin' ev’ry harriette and boy
Markings full of Hashing joy,
Things to make your Hash bright and gay [not that
there’s anything wrong with it]
He's got Hot Cheetos for Hoser,
Colored MD 20/20 bottles for sister Slutty,
There's a Tecate for your Mommy
And an oil can lager, too.
Oh! here comes Peter Cock-On-Trail,
Hashin' down the crumby trail,
Hippity hoppity, On On On
Happy Hashing day.
Here comes Peter Cock-On-Trail,
Hashin' down the bunny trail,
Look at him stop, and listen to him say:
"CHECK IN! Go this way, go that way."
Maybe if you're extra good,
He'll roll lots of beer your way.
You'll wake up on Monday morning
And you'll know that he was there
When you find those chalk and flour marks
That he's hiding everywhere.
Oh! here comes Peter Cock-On-Trail,
Hashin' down the crumby trail,
Hippity hoppity, On On On
Happy Hashing Easter day!
Beautiful
day for a family hash. Family? Kids? Yes. Didn’t you see
the Hashspace add? I think one of our harriette
“mothers” posed for a La Leche campaign poster on the
importance of breastfeeding. Yeah, that’s what it was!
We don’t just get drunk you know, we get drunk for a
cause! Our hares Porta John and his beautiful assistant
Bi da Numbers met up at the famous Rosa’s
Cantina – hashers with their two and four legged kids
gathered for this special occasion. “I don’t pre-lay,”
exclaimed Porta…”Cheez, this is out of my comfort zone,
what do I do? I wanna be chased cause I’m a hare, ya
know?” “Relax honey, you’ll be a’right. You have to go
cook your famous habenero burgers, clean the house, pick
up the yard, feed the dog, massage my feet, and cool the
beer! Besides, they think Point B is at our house
anyway!” With her evil laugh, BidNumbers adjusted her
cotton tail, sexed up her boobs and headed for Doniphan.
So many
dogs too! WTF, thought this was next week? No. It’s
every week in our hash. Hounds. And one pony. Ok, two.
Just Brutus eeeeewwww and ahhhhed the kids and let
himself be transformed into a doghare. The group hopped
on down the trail that eventually split for both the
runners and the walkers. Heineken was trying to impress
PR on his dog training-al-Cesar-Millan skill. ”Pr, I
know about Boston Terriers, ‘cause I’ve watched Dogs
101. Did you know that there are over 4167 active gangs
in the United States. Yeah, that
was on the Discovery Channel, and where’s Peter? Have
you seen Clash of the Titans, I have. What does Frankie
eat? Joe snores. Wow, it’s hot.”…….to which eventually
PR desperately yelled, “Hey Heineken, why don’t leave me
the dog and run over there by Mesa and
find your mommy? Whew..Calgon take me away already!!!”
The group
headed into the glorious Sunland Park neighborhood
crossing through their famous park, where neighboring
children play …but only after local heroin and meth
addicts finish up their association meeting each night.
Fur Burger helped her baby along the Rio
Grande where we eventually met up with the
walkers. Where are the huevos? Some of the kids picked
up what they believed were recently layed Easter eggs
only to discover that they were left behind THREE YEARS
AGO. “Don’t worry kids, it’s a short and sweet trail. By
mile 5, the trail looked like a shit load of Yoda
carrying cadets. Somewhere toward the end of the trail,
Teacher and Hung Daddy merged into the group -of course
they did, why wouldn’t they? The other
half of the pack resorted to following our RA Hoser
cause he knows. He knows that Point B is at Porta’s
house. Like Hare-Krishnas (HEY! this worked well for the
hash trash, eh?) we followed him. The FRB’s circled
around towards his house only to be told by an
autohashing Sgt. Goo and his sister that trail went the
udder way. Phuck! So the pack turned back and headed in
the other direction towards the Rio Grande where
we finally met up with a bunch of tired and huevo-less
hashers! “Didn’t you guys find the eggs?” asked Porta.
“No, but some of us are ovulating, does that COUNT?!!!!”
Chingado.
Circle
up!!! Damn, is it me or is the circle big as hell? Ms.
Pinky wasn’t feeling too hot and sat...and so did
Slutty, and Goo, and Ditch, and Balsy, and Elmer. HEY!
You’ve only ran 9 miles around a 2 mile radius. I also
noticed that we picked up about 6 extras along the trail
too. After an out of control down down, the hares headed
back in hopes of seeing the yellow chariot waiting for
us. Like Mexicans in downtown, the hares sat around
waiting for their ride. Oh and Hash and behold, did
anyone notice that Dr. Wang sprung into the first wave
of vehicles and did not return? Um. Paging Dr. Wang? Did
you get lost and made your way to the on after instead
of picking up tired hashers? Que huevos! The on after
was hosted by the hares and in usual fashion Bi da
Numbers and Porta cooked up a delicious post hash menu
for us huevo-nes. Other items of interest:
Hashit – RA Hoser
Literal Hounds – Sir Licks A Lot & Justs Amigo, Brutus &
Frankie
Fam Friendlies – Heineken Skywalker, Just Brittany
w/Swallows, Just Kassie w/Pink Slit, Just Joseph & Clit
Eastwood w/Mary KY, Hacker Wacker & Furr Burger with
Thighs daughter, Used Rubber’s daughter, Slutty’s baby’s
baby
Voigins – Just Clayton, Just Celina
Absent two weeks in a row – Barney
Beer Bitchin’ though not on trail – Sergeant Goober
50th – My Teacher Made Me Cum – hey does that
count BJ hashes too?
Stickered – Eat=mycunt2wice & Food Stamp, who gave up
hashing for Lent
Noble pack – Just Eli, Pussy Whipt, Puss In Boots, Elmer
Pudd Phucker, Balls In Hand, Beer Battered, Pussy Rican,
Cock Shock Therapy, No String Attached, Just Bryan, Just
Brad, Clitigation, Eargasm, Baa Baa Lost It, Limp Limb,
Clucker Fucker, Just Jess, Ditch the Bitch, and DW
Once again
the EPH3 cums togther for another great day of hashing.
Remember if you have huevos and a half mind, then that’s
all you need. ON ON.
Sin Fin.
Twat Rott
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
HASH
TRASH MARCH 28, 2010 - Better Late than Never!
EPHIII Hash Trash DIES SOLIS ID. MART. MMDCCLXIII A.U.C.
History of the Hash Part II
(Written in Times New Roman)
"…through
conviction under the law was cast as a prostitute, most
visibly through imposition of the label of the toga, the
prostitute's badge of shame.”
Hasher please! We’re harriettes. Bitch.
The Evil Hashing Emperors
Tiberius Pony – “The
emperor who trusted Sejanus and lived a debauched life
in Capri”
Caligula Hoser –“The evil emperor who
proclaimed himself a God”
Nero Wacker – “The
mad tyrant who blamed the Christians for the burning of Rome”
Domitian Wakes – “The
evil emperor who murdered thousands of non-hashing Christians”
Commodus Cock - “More
savage than Domitian, more foul than nero”
Carachalla Puss – “The
common enemy of mankind"
Elagabalus SCAB – “He
married a Vestal Virgin and then took a husband..."
Carinus Battered – “The
debauched Emperor suspected of incest”
Act I.
Our harriettes Clitigation, Sushi Tacos and Swallows the
Kids chose the corner of North Loop and
Carolina for Sunday’s hash as Roman soldiers and divas
gathered for our Toga, Toga, Toga Hash and man what a
group it was! Immediate and most notable was SCAB- kinda
looked like Caligula’s lit’l bitch with his tiny
cheerleading skirt and sandals…how cute!!! All
I know is hat Heineken kept asking why he couldn't be
his little sister. Oh
before that…in the John’s household…[not
that we were listening]
Porta: It's not gonna be an
orgy! It's a toga hash!
BiDa:
Honestly, Porta, you're 44-years old. In six months
you're going to retire, and tomorrow evening you're
going to wrap yourself in a bed sheet and pour grain
alcohol all over your head. It's cute, but I think I'll
pass this time.
Porta:
Want me to go alone?
BiDa:
Baby, I don't want you to go at all.
Porta:
It's a Hash, I'm in the Hash. How can I miss it?
BiDa:
I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to
attend!
Hoser in true self began questioning the validity of our
costumes..OF COURSE HE WOULD. WHY WOULDN’T HE? I mean we
were historically off (as he pointed out) some Greek,
some Roman, some Bed, Bath and
Beyond and me - I was wearing ‘cheese cloth” and others
like Used Rubber and E=mc2 pulled the curtains off their
poor mama’s living room window. So? So? Rome was
not a country ..and it’s not Greece but Greece was
part of the Roman
Empire –
wasn’t it? And and Rome was
founded by twins..who were raised by a she-wolf (hound)
and prince Aeneas (not anus folks) son of
Alphrodite..Wow! Hmmm
no wonder were there was a divine drive to attend last
week’s hash – I mean, a “hound” did raise some crazy ass
twins, founded Rome and then there was that cool movie
Animal House and Toga parties and now we have a toga
hash. See the connection? ??
Puss looked like Jesus Christ -well that be ok since
Easter was just around the corner behind a rock. VIRGIN,
VIRGINS, VIRGINS so many of them in attendance…Caligula
Hoser adjusted his RING and scooped up some LARD in dem
shorts before the start of the hash juuuuuussssttttt in
case he ran into one of ‘em. And so it began..
Act II.
The trail stretched across a dusty Lower Valley.
Like Roman soldiers, and their maidens, the hashers
paraded through the scores of onlookers like athletes on
their way to the arena. “What the fuck are you all
doing?” yelled a shocked patron whose idea of exercise
is the walk to the fridge. Isn’t it fascinating how
soooo many onlookers are shocked and pissed ‘cause were
“running?” I kept Just Veronica and her hubby voigen
Just “Sensei” Paul close by cause you never know if
these two Black Belt –ball cracking duo needed my
help out there in the barrio, just saying.
We
made our way towards Hillcrest Middle pit – where the
beer awaited us! Some of us. “They took the bar! The
whole fucking bar!” No beer, no beer, no beer, no beer!
Ms. Sexy Cabooty never stopped. Running - Up, down, side
to side - I think her booby screws are speed adjusters –
I) FRB II) Fuck ya’all. Damn girl do they make those for
vajayjays? The
hounds continued over and across the country side
towards the ditch . Greece I
believe it was. No – it stopped and we were lost. "Heinken..get
your little ass out there and look for trail before SCAB
takes you up for his bride." We
decided to put our heads together and head back to the
beer check. By then, several togas were showing signs of
distress in the form – SKID MARKS…yuckers Romans! We
looped again and eventually got back on trail. Pony
pumper AKA the “horse guy from the Duran Duran video
‘Girls on Film’ walked in front as I made my way to B.
Almost jump on him I tell ya…From the distance I saw the
largest gathering I’ve since..well since um..last WEEK!
Act III.
Circle up!! So it came to pass the company of fellow
hashers, disguised grossly as serious runners, broke out
into riotous phallic dances and song, enjoyed equally by
those who looked on and by those who took part
(eventually) or at least after Hoser threatened to tie
their balls with cat gut and force red wine down their
throats. “The hash is out of control, the hash is out of
control!” Our GMc took over song meister duties to
either egg on or help da Caligula Hoser (we’ll never
know). Of course it's
all PORTA'a fault!
Beer bitching by the way is NOT Beer Battered’s cup of
tati – I mean, you’d think by virtue of his NAME that
he’d have some experience? Throw him to the Lions, I
say! And so Caligula Hoser, in RA god self – kept it
short cause we were out of chips and
um accusations. Oh
and our DFL Hacker Wacker was eventually released by the
Cristo Rey Catholic Church after they discovered that he
WASN’T circumcised. The Yellow Chariot awaited. And
waited. And waited. Alas, Nero Wacker brought his
miniature pony and helped kick start the sacred chariot.
In true regressive fashion, we sat and sung our way to
Point A
-
beer chugging, butt showing, cop teasing selves….
Other items of dis-interest:
Hares - Clitigation, Sushi Taco, Swallows the Kids
FRB – Baby Wood (WTF!?!?) Is he still mad?
Hashit – Paging Doctor Faggot
DFL – Hacker Wacker!
50th hash
IOU (why are we not surprised, Wang?) –
Eye Fucked Up
Cumming problemos – Eargasm, Elmer Pud Phucker, STIFFY,
OffHand, SCAB, Kenya Spank M’Monkey, Likes It In Da
Caboose, Bring Your Own Bitch
Voigins – Just Jess, Just Alex, Just Skeeter, Just Paul
III & Just Brian, hashed in cowboy boots (did he pay?)
Yet to be named – Just Eli, Just Phoenix, Just Paul II,
Just Veronica, Just Brittany, Just Amigo
Togaed & un pack – Puss In Boots, Pink Slit, Balls In
Hand, Cock Shock Therapy, Heineken Skywalker, Bi the
Numbers, PortaJohn, Beer Battered, Hose Handler, Used
Rubber, Eat=mycunt2wice, Baa Baa Lost Shit, Anal Akbar,
Hung Daddy Tutu (with Just Benjie), Sir Licks A Lot,
Dogg E. Porn, Cuntortionistá, Hacker Wacker, Pussy
Rican, Wakes Me When It’s Over, Turd Burglar, No String
Attached, Dr Wang
onafter only – Mary KY & Pussy Whipt
IV.
The hashers met up at a local thermopolia (Roman Rudy’s)
for good eats and more spirits. In future harlot
fashion, Used Rubber kept the male virgins close to her
bosom as her sibling E=mc2 kept a watchful eye ..ready
to block any cock that got to close to this virgin
maiden…”achewbushit!” The Emperors and
sacred harriettes rejoiced and celebrated their
journey, fondled each
other and
scratched their royal testicles. Ah what could be
better???Another hash
of course.
VI. Sin Fin.
“And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Hash"
was held from which we have received more than two dozen
reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and
disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here”
Twat Rott. On On.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
LONG HASH TRASH 3/21/10
EPH3 Trash March 21, 2010
“EL PINCHE VEN-Y-TON
Hash”
(United Colors of
BENNETON Hash)
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
Non-Hispanic/Latino Version:
It was a fabulous
Sunday for hashing as the group convened in what appeared to be
another ghetto-like section of the city. Our beloved
non-Hispanic/Latino hashers arrived [on time] to what they believed
was a Discovery Channel special documenting the mating habits of
brown people. Of course, upon their arrival, they were pleasantly
surprised to find that Point A was situated in a well lit and paved
location AND with plenty of parking for their under-2-year and
insured vehicles. Wakes Me and his lovely bride, Pussy Rican – a bit
jet lagged from a recent ski trip to FRANCE, Ms. Ballsy, sporting
her authentic designer purse, PW, some other white folks and our
visiting hasher, NDFU, who in celebration of the Tarahumara Indians
of Mexico (who by the way run with hand made sandals comprised of
string and tire parts) wore his very expensive, Vibram Five Fingers
running shoes valued at approximately …well let’s just say that one
purchase can feed 1/3 of the people of Zimbabwe for a week.
Other
non-Hispanic/Latino hashers also arrived in hopes of capturing
moving images of brown people commonly referred to as Cholos and
Cholas in their natural environment! Sporting their fanny packs and
digital cameras, they prepared and probably stretched, for the
initiation of the hash. “I can’t wait to take pictures, but should
we go ahead and call our relatives to give them our location in case
we do not arrive at Point B within the hour?” exclaimed that tall
Caucasian virgin, what’s his name? WMWIO also appeared a bit
apprehensive - “Don’t worry Peter, we’ll be ok, besides, I’m Puerto
Rican and I can communicate with the locals – AND we’ve been in
places such as this… remember TR’s and CST wedding? I’m sure their
neighbors still remember your courageous act of kindness when you
rescued their cat from the roof!”
Ballsy exclaimed, “Speaking of acts of kindness, I tipped our
maid Consuelo, an extra $1.25 yesterday! She even yelled out “pinche
gringa coda!” – isn’t that fabulous??” The lovely and “not allowed
in our pictures ever” Ms. Ditch the Bitch, along with EFU, and
Cuntortionistá (who by the way is in an interracial relationship!)
also accompanied the group! “You think they’ll let me hold the gun?”
asked Puss N Boots. “I so need this picture for my Facebook page!”
The non-Hispanic/Latino hashers proceeded to
circle up to take a last count of their runners and for last minute
instructions. “Remember the following items,” their newly designated
and democratically voted head hasher WMWIO explained:
1.
Stay together
2.
Do not stare at the children playing with their front yard
abandoned stoves
3.
Use the buddy system – Blackberry each other if you lose
trail
4.
Support one another – remember, not everyone is a front
running bastard – for example you may want to yell out “Piper, we
support you! Or “Good job Bridget!”
5.
Do not talk to individuals who happen to “cruise” by us –
even if they resemble Esai Morales
6.
Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate – I’ll have Evian water from the
French Alps for parched runners
7.
Let’s all meet at Point B and take pictures for our Facebook
page and for possible submission to the Discovery Channel
8.
Make sure our RA doesn’t get lost, because we so desperately
need him at the circle
9.
Most importantly, have fun!
And then it
happened….with a cloud of smog from vehicles that have never seen
the inside of an inspection station - the Cholos and Cholas
arrived…Like a scene out of the 300 or should I say the “Mexican
300?” – “TONIGHT WE DINE IN LOS WILLOWS!”
“Que onda putos and
putas??? “Mexican Americans don't like to just get into gang fights,
they like flowers and music class=preloadImg>
and white girls named
Debbie too. Mexican Americans are named Chata and Chella and Chima
and have a son in law named Jeff.”
Chola/o Version:
Aquí estamos …con
el“hash”en nuestro barrio. Estimados gringos y los otros gueyes que
ni sus mamas saben que son, que onda?! Jus tell us where the cerveza
is, holms. Ay ay, mira mira – they dress like us and shit. Wow, no
sabia que Macy’s tenia wife beaters, mang. Puro PPP (puro pinche
pedo). Pues ok..This is Pan Podrida (La T.R.) talking about like
what happened and shit..that Sunday when we ran. I hit up with my
home girl, La Maria KY..esa ruca..no mames guey, es un verga parada
con pelos! Chingona…never mind that she drives a SAAB and shit – its
all good cuz like it was in the divorce papers so órale..besides,
she’s gonna pimp it up soon.
Pues her and me and el
Cock..ese mango grandote ..mi ruco helped us too. My kid, yeah from
another dad – don’t get me startededed…was there ‘cuz shit I mean he
knows, you know? La raza gathered at my favorite store, Dillards II.
No que no tronabas pistolita? Man it has like designer Polo and
Versahit. You just have to be careful taking off the tag cuz they
staple it on the clothes - si no se hace tear.
And on Tuesday, take your abuela, cuz you get a discount.
Anyways…we met up..jew know, we are ok with the gringos and other
colored peeps..cuz they pay and shit. Cept for that chicken man and
the other skinny dude..como se llama ese guey? Ah el pinche wang.
They kinda look like el gordo y el flaco,no?
El otro gringo y su ruca la Pussy…she’s like our cousin cuz
she’s like almost Mexican..Puerto Rico is like Mexico no? Only they
eat those big plátanos that are still green. They’re cool and her
ruco buys good beer.
I saw my home girls…la
Pinky, la Used Rubber, la pinche como se llama, um um um, oh la new
girl just Lorrine and their friend. También estaba el Hacker! I saw
that chick with the cool eyes that don’t match..órale EFU..she’s
alright – we may have to jump her in though.. Anyways, It looked
like a roundup like the ones the El Chuco police department does..I
almost got escared…Pues la Maria KY and me took off, you know? Yo se
que La Diabla, Pelotas en Mano was saying shit that we were going to
get in a car like right after we started. So? Y que? You don’t know
what we do…besides, there was like some cholos who offered us a ride
and shit and we said ni madre carnal…we wanna walk.
We wanted to makes
sure that the hashers didn’t get lost cuz of all that stuff going on
across the border. So we tagged it good ..besides, my “cojer” was
carrying so no hay pedo. La otra gringa…como se llama..ahhh Slutty
helped us and shit. She’s like our “onorarily” Latina..cuz I
remember she liked raza guys back in the day when she lived in front
of my mom’s house. No shit, eh. We tagged and threw flour. Man if my
abuela could see us she’d be like..”que chingados are you doing with
the harina? We could make tortillas!” We kept going cuz it was hot
and Maria KY was wearing a shitload of makeup and her ears were
itching cuz of the 5 carrot gold. So we got to the point B and
started drinking. Maria made chile con queso..phuck yeah! And
también we had a piñata full of make up and those creams in case the
white shicks get dry. We don’t cuz of the spit. She also hooked me
up with a 24 oz-er. So we like posed like models - waiting for the
hashers to get there. Y luego, we heard whistles..and her they cum.
Es tony!
Pobrecita mi carnala
Maria KY, she was “uncuntsolabowl” (watcha, a big word) when she
didn’t see her niños…but they were ok. I mean, they’re cholitos and
shit. Anyways, the cholas didn’t even smear like their make up…is
cuz they burn the eyeliner and it sticks to your eyes. Yeah, el
pinche Landcum or what’s that make up called…don’t work. You gotta
get um um um Wet n Wild from the flea market. Pues, we all got
together and took pictures ..even the gringos were cool about posing
for our cuetes. Pinche
Hoser started the circle and it was like long again ..but that’s
cool. Everybody drank, and sang and we named that smart chick that
has gone to school like way after her G.E.D., la Lorrine. We hit la
piñata too and la Twinkle Toes got to taste Takis.
Oh oh oh, we also showed our asses and tits to the train guy
that drives it. Man that was cool. And then later on El pinche Pony
got there with his autobús! It was like being back at the
alternative school cept the windows on the bus didn’t have like
chicken wire so that was cool man. Pony! estas chingon mi rey! Later
on we hooked up at the on-after. That was cool, cuz we hung around
and drank beers and took more pictures. So, that’s it. The Gang:
Hares – TR, CS, Maria KY
Named – Eat = my cunt 2wice (E=mc2)
Whistled – Just Marc, Just Brad, Just Jordan,
Just Joseph
Voigins – Just Laura, Just Dan, Just Eli
#1 cumming problemo –
No Dick 4 U!
Pony & da wheels on da
bus go round & round
Hashers – Hose
Handler, Ditch the Bitch, Strawberry, Puss In Boots, Heineken
Skywalker, Sushi Taco, Beer Battered, Used Rubber, Pussy Whipt,
PortaJohn, Bi the Numbers, Balls In Hand, Pink Slit, Wakes Me When
It’s Over, Pussy Rican, Hung Daddy Tutu, Groping Barknee, Wang,
Clitigation, Just Phoenix, Slutty White Trash, Dogg E. Porn,
Cuntortionistá, Hacker Wacker, Clit Eastwood, Clucker Fucker,
Worn-Out CockSucker, Eye Fucked Up
And like Zapata
says..”IT’S BETTER TO LIVE ON YOUR FEET THAN TO DIE ON YOUR KNEES” –
unless you’re a Chola, then being on your knees is ok! ORALE!!!
Arriba-Arriba!
Sin Fin. Twat Rott.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EPH3
Trash March 7, 2010
"Let's Clown Around Hash"
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
Holy
hell fire shit…so many hashers at the El Paso Marathon – Like Maria
KY sez…"Guey to represent, eh?" And a post marathon hash it was.
Another beautiful day for a hash – our hares the lovely Ms. Ditch da
Bitch and Groping Barney (AKA John Wayne Gasey) started the hash at
Jaxon's on Mesa.
"Mama…look! Look! It's a truck full of Parisclowns?"
Heineken pointing at the baby pumas Goo, String, Just someone, all
dressed in black and white. More like the Dead Presidents, no? "No
mom, they're `mums' they don't talk." That's my special boy! I wish
his teachers could see how creative he really is. Paging Dr. Faggot
went all out – if anyone was not afraid of clowns, they are NOW! He
reminded of the Rob Zombies, House of 1000's corpses – you know?
Captain Spaulding the
evil, bearded, fried-chicken-cooking clown! Ewwwww Ewwwww Cucuy
(Spanish for I'm damn escared!)
Hares
out! During our first hill encounter half of us climb the
cacti-ridden hill only to find that we had been tricked! Dose ebil
clowns! CHECKBACK! Close
behind I could here what appeared to be porn music. WTF? It seems to
be coming from Ditch da Bitches breasts? I mean I know she's a
dancer and all, but nipple gnarly notes? YES!, Ditch serenaded the
entire pack with her mammory-mobile-music..the men thank you Ditch.
So here are half the back up atop of the hill. As for me - What the
kick ball a giveth, the hash a taketh away! I'm cured!! My foot
don't hurt no mores! Thanks to the over stretching I did while
trying to climb Mt. Cactus.  Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Free
at last, free at last Thank all almighty, I'm free at last…So we
made our way down – Pink Slit already in full hash, leaving her
baby-TARs behind! No reason to fret, Heineken led the young ladies
to safety as he guided them over the cacti – `come dis way, step
over, now over here." The hounds made their way back to ummmm Point A. I
know, I know it's suppose to be short. And who do we see riding up?
I'll give you two guesses but you're only gonna need one. Clucker
Fucker. Why are we not surprised? The pack headed to their next
destination: lost.
Heineken and I were eventually trailing the hill climbing pack. From
afar, we see da Barney signal us or should I say, "ass."
"I
see the Bad Moon Rising…I see hair between the legs..Looks like
we're in for nasty viewing..Don't go hash around tonight, well it's
bound to take your life…Theeeeeeeeerrrrrre's Barney's moon tonight!" My
God in heaven, Barney, your ASS looks like your front, my Marine
brodda! But tanks to you, Heineken and I were able to leave the Red
Planet and make
our way to the beer check. Did I mention it was suppose to be a
short hash?
And on
we went, until BI Da Numbers, jumped higher than Cock Shock's knee, when she
discovered that her significant udder – Porta John had missed a
check in..Yes ladies and Gentlemen, he missed two markings. Course
his excuse is, "I'm zenning – so I don't look down - "don't'
follow me cause I'm not really competing- "I just wanna be alone,
with myself, and my hand! Toyz, Bi and I headed down Mesa..the
pack no where to be seen until I spot Porta. He sprung out of the
distance like a drunken prairie dog. BOINK! Sniffing
for trail, but what he caught was a sniff of Twat Rott. Andale! He
sprung (no pun intended) into action, picked up his kilt and ran
like banshee through the woods. The pack all trickled in soon after
that.
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Biggest Hash on Earth
- Circle Up clowns!" And we did, and there was much rejoicing! Out
of the corner of my eye I spot Eargasm, biting his nails, staring at
Just Lucas' broken nose. "Sir Frederick Treves" anxious to break a
beer bottle and begin operating. *inner voice* "I can fix you my
dear man..you are not an animal..I can, I can." Too bad he was too
busy beer bitching. Our RA, tried to keep the circle
under control. A couple of hashers dis'd the circle with their NEW
Rubber....course Mr. Cock was forced to Tea Bag his beer for wearing
what are now Bi da number's new snow shoes. Just Abby, part
of the Virgin Sibling 3, survived her interrogation anxiously
waiting for her new name….the group tossed off several names until
Porta, yes Porta provided the winning submission: Used Rubber. That
evening, according the photos plastered all over the world wide web,
her name came in handy!
Hares –
Ditch the Bitch & Groping BarKnee
Hashit
(and beermeisterin') – Puss In Boots –BESTEST COSTUME
DFL
(and forever honorary) – Clucker Fucker (has he paid yet?)
Named
(the first of 3 siblings in a row) – Used Rubber (Finger licker now
– ask her)
Autohashin' w/ Bumble `B"/Megahasher, Just Amelia & beer – Sushi
Taco & Mary KY
The
well-washed but unnamed – Just Kevin, Just Jordan, Just Brad, Just
Danny, Just Robert, Just Lucas (2 black eyes), Just Lorrine, Just
Bryan, Just Amigo, pinche perro naming deferred cause like
Strawberry says, "just name him dog"
Pure
voiginz - Just Kassie & Just Benita (Pink Slit) – may they stay
virgins, k?
Hobbled
by various distances – Cock Shock Therapy, Dr Wang, Strawberry Short
Dick Forever, Toyz4Twats, Heineken Skywalker, Pussy Whipt- Good job
all!
The
worst cumming problemos – Dogg E. Porn, Cuntortionistá – Thanks Dogg
for helping us out
A
little better – Eye Fucked Up, Bi the Numbers
Beer
bitchin' – Eargasm
Good
lookin' pack – Me, Swallows the Kids, Paging Doctor
Faggot, Hose Handler, PortaJohn, Sergeant Goo, No String Attached,
Lil Easy
The
group met for the on after…I didn't go so I wasn't witness to the
crotch smelling, harriette licking, boob grabbing and white boy
initiation that APARTENTLY took place. BUTT, I heard it was a blast.
So, if you have a half mind, that's all you need. If you have a
camera now you have a reputation!!! ON
ON
Sin fin.
Twat Rott
PS. In
case another version shows up, this is 2.0. I thought I zapped the
first one dah!
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EPH3
Trash February 28, 2010
"OH
HAIL No! "
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
What'd
you think of the hash? It was lovely. Great. Wonderful. Fabulous.
What'd you think of the hares? They were great! WTF? Our baby hares
Sgt. Goo Goo Ga Ga and No String Attached must of fell asleep during
Wang's usual ranting on how he's hashed 10000 trails, laid half of
them, could sell you a t-shirt and could take any virgin and make
him a true hare. "Cum with me (*jaw shaking*) I will teach you the
way of the chalk" exclaimed Dr. Wangster. Even wearing
his GMPS-(Global Mother Positioning System) wrapped around his ankle
did nothing for Baby Goo and his trail. I mean the trail was DEAD.
How can you fuck up a dead trail??? You blame the weather…and the
ankle…and the chalk…and mom…(why not?).
AY AY
these spring chickens (young virgin men and hashers) I mean we've
got one missing the hash `cause he's out there picking out Yankee
candles to match his manly mauve motive. Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
our baby hashboy Officer and a Gentlehand was spotted at no other
than Bed, Bath and
Beyond sampling AND smelling candles…earlier in the day. Of course
he denied his intentions and responded with a "Uh uh, no I was
shopping for my mom…she has a cold and can't smell"…Right. Hey OGH,
take your hand out, ya gonna go blind! Anyway,
the hounds convened at AlbumPark –
Eastwood for you purists pussies. The first thing we noticed was our
little humper: Just Frankie – shaking like one of Toyz for Twat's
catalog buddies? {By the way, don't buy the rabid rabbit toy – I
heard the hare attachment leaves the vajayjay screaming for less!
Besides, if the vajayjay could talk it would say "SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW
DOWWWNNNNNNNNNNN" a'right guys?)
Soooooo
BOOM!!!! Just Frankie spots Just Lexie…or not? Lord and frijole…it
wasn't Lexie..it was Lexie in DRAG!!!!! Ugly shit too…Frankie
figured out really quickly that dem balls were bigger than his! Also
in attendance was our fashion-diva, master of fabulosity  Cum
Bubbles sporting his fresh screened hash shirts…"camisas, playeras,
20 dolla 20 dolla, you got 20 dolla?, I got shirts" Hey,
he's gotta maintain the B.M.W.s no? Hell
we shoulda named his ass (BMW – Bite Me Wang)…Nah I'm just kidding
Dr. Wang…don't you start deducting my runs now!!!!! So much for our
Women's Right to Hash…trying to keep the woman down!!!!
The day
was cloudy and before we knew it …it started to rain! Mama Slutty
ready to help his baby puma..packed up the baby and drove off.
Wait…did I say the trail was dead? WTF? The Hares took off…what
for??? To confuse us MORE???? Right???
Right??? That's how it started. Now mind you…THE TRAIL IS DEAD! After
we circled for around 20 minutes…A little bird told us to head on
over to Edgemere with the kickball duo. No trail. Some Trail. What
trail? P.W., a B.J. hash deserter, and cum bubbles, proceeded
towards Las
Cruces or
something. No trail. Yes rain. What the hell am I suppose to trash
about if I WAS LOST! Eventually we caught up with the rest of the
hashers somewhere on Yarbrough to the 3rd beer
check. Got beer? No beer, no beer, no beer, no beer, no beer no beer
no beeeerrrrrrrr! Yes hail. And why are we not surprised to find
Hoser with his Cock in hand leading the pack towards B? Ewwwwww
Barney ewwwwwwwwww Barney's gonna get jealous!!!!! We all followed
the over pronators to Point B. I NEVER EVER SAW TRAIL AGAIN..till
the end. Alas, we made it to - Circle up - yelled our RA. Half
outside, half inside the garage. Just Brutus AKA Dicanormous was
brought out by his man toys so he can woman-handle the ballsy – lips
and all. The hash got out of control half the time – I admit I was
chatting with Toyz for Twats about her upcumming lay – Cock Shock
complaining `cause he was beer bitch.."How cum, Ballsy was doing the
nomination??? Does this mean SHE'LL never be beer bitch? It ain't
fair!, I'm gonna kick her ass" Hay vay…wa waaa whaaa…baby shower
baby shower. To wrap this up, our hash results:
Hares –
No String Attached (voigin lay) & Sergeant Goo (Great TRAIL!!!)
FRB –
Just Robert (Quiet as a mouse)
DFL –
Mary KY (comadre!)
50th hashed
– Pink Slit, Puss In Boots, Clucker Fucker ( Yeah I know, how????) -
(*Note Auto cycling or sitting your ass at A does not equate to a
numbered hash)
Whistled – Just Robert, Just Lucas
Voigins
– Just Brittany (Swallows daughter), Just Bryan, Fuck Me My Ass
Hurts pinche perro (boxer), Just Mariola (Eargasm's wife, visiting)
Hash
hounds – Just Frankie, Just Amigo, both gotta get named
Cumming
problemo - Anal Akbar
Most
honored pack, hearty with the weather – Porta, Pussy Whipt, Swallows
the Kids, Elmer Pud Phucker, Ball In Hand, Just Paul, Cum Bubble,
Lil Easy, Hose Handler, Toyz4Twats, Slutty White Trash, so proud,
Just Lorraine, Just Abigail, Dr. Wang & Cocky
The
hash decided to on-after at Smokey's! Again. Great beer and barb-q!
Hell, if this was the trail, it would have been shitty! Beer was
consumed, fingers were licked and orders were taken by Toyz for
Twatz! Of course this made the male patrons a bit nervous. I mean
how they gonna compete with Gynormous the Dildo? Huh? Huh? Relax
gentlemen..it's all in the kegel. Your peepees are fine J Also
joining us were nonhashing BJ recruits Hung Daddy and Teacher… "It's
the end of the month as we know it…iiiiiiiiiitttttttttt's the end of
the month as we know it …and I nnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeddddd hashers!"
(Sing along to REM's It's the end of the world as we know it")
…SIGH, another glorious day with good friends and good weather..til
next Sunday…if you have a half mind..well then, that's all you
need!!! And if you have a  clown
suit then you've got issues! ON ON.
Sin
Fin.
 Twat
Rott.
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"RED DRESS DICK N DAMSEL HASH"
14 Feb 2010
Palabra Jot Palabra Jot…Write a little, Hash a lot!
And the
torch has been handed down to yours truly - T-Rott. Bear
with me, need to get my creative juices flowing with proper
stimulation from my El Paso Hash. For those that offend easily,
there's always the other brown meat. Besides Barney found something
else do with his hands…can we say "Ring around the ROSY", nana
nana nananananana - during the previous night festivities that also
included "Captain Underpants" Elmer Pudd Phucker showing Heineken
how to defend himself against caped predators – go figure!
And what
a turn out it was! Beautiful Day for V.D. Red Dress Run! 42…count
em…42 hashers showed up in full, nut hugging red dresses and one big
ass pooch named Just Brutus. Point A looked like a cross between
RuPaul's Drag Race and the Bad Girls Club. The lady-lads and the
ladies posed for pictures! Our newly appointed RA Hoser started the
RED blob of hashers. Our hares Puss in Boots and his guysistant –
Wakes Me laid a shitty trail…course, no one reminded Wakes Me not to
talk to strangers while in drag - EVEN if they claim a cat is stuck
on the roof..
The men
adjusted their straps, belts and underwear…and off we
went…zigzagging down to Copia.....McKinley, back to Copia. Some of
us (brave souls) opted to follow our lead zengod, Porta. "Stop
following me, stop following me!" But Ballsy was on him like stench
on a bad clam, just in case he was heading in the right direction.
And here comes Cabooty, running like a St. Croix Hurricane - `Poof'
and she was gone again…those little legs can move! The first beer
check was behind Austin High
School..covered under what the hares could only describe
as "clever." FREAKN CARDBOARD…"Oh nooooo, no one will take our
beer…this reminds of the Willows-`sigh." On out - hashing up Altura
- Pussy Whipt wiping the sweat off his red headed brow – didn't miss
a step. I must say the paparazzi was in full force that day –
honking, whistling, shouting out - "Ay guey, mira esa peliroja y ese
mango con vestido rojo – El de ROJO, me lo COJO!" Heineken, Hacker
and I hashed up Alabama hoping to hit trail somewhere….then in the
distance, not far behind us I heard voices…"Damn, my belt is too
tight…You know this is my sister's dress, it fits me now! How do I
hold up my top?" I
turn to find Sgt. Goo's Clueless Club of Virgins complaining like
well, bitches. "C'mon Heineken, I'll let the therapist explain it
later"…and we hashed and hashed and paralleled finally getting to
the next beer check …all 3 beers and 2 waters. Brutus the
ball-bearing Dane ate one of the hashers and drank all the beer. So
we wheezed our way up the hill (course `Marmaduke'
escorted his human drag toy towards the walker's trail so his man
size paws wouldn't get cut –PUSSY!!! yelled Just Amigo!) And up we
went to Clucker's retirement retreat – Casa de Bienvivir! Just Abby
stayed close to us until the last leg – sexy dress and all…Heineken
of course shot out in front of me and made his way over the hills
until the last turn...where he overcompensated and slid down a small
hill. There he laid, in luge position, hoping his mother would put
her beer down long enough to notice HER SON MISSING....In full hash
family tradition – my Cock, Paging Dr. Faggot, Hacker and "Just
James" ran to help him. As usual the group made him feel better,
including Toyz for Twats who kept lifting her dress to show him HER
scratches – Heineken – as frail as he was- lifted his shaky, little
hand – to touch her thigh. Tears? Dried. Puberty? Set.
CIRCLE
UP! yelled the new RA: Hoser. I don't think anyone was listening
though – staring aimlessly at Porta! Pinche Porta – it's all your
fault!!!!! The group rejoiced as our new Song Meister –Pussy Whipt
led us in old and new songs…by the way PW, you looked marvelous –
hair behind the ears, you go girl! Hoser did a great job even though
he f*&#!ed up the head song. Dr. Wang led us in our naming of "Just
James." I
personally liked "lady gaga" but after careful deliberation AND
after Wang, in usual fashion, repeated the list of names including
those already "REJECTED" 4 times (yup Ditch counted), Just James is
now and will forever be known as EARGASM! If you see him inserting
objects into his ear you'll know why…Other items of interest:
FRB –
Cock Shock Therapy (Mr. "No I wasn't running on the walker's trail,
I have a long stride" – Hey! FEE FI FO FUM, stay off the walker's
trail, al'right?)
Hashit –
Porta – why are we not surprised?
DFLs –
Whoreo n Bi the Numbers
Drunk o' the Month –
Pussy Rican (rockin the cape – AKA. Santa Valentina)
100
hashes bandana –
Clitigation – Ya-think?, in another 5 years you'll have 100 more!!!
50
patch –
Cabooty (1 x 104 weeks of hashing – lost sheets – lost mind = 50
hashes)
Biggest problemo cummers –
Face Down & Spread `Em & H2Ho
Other problemos –
SomeTimes I Fall For You (STIFFY), MiniMistress, Toyz4Twats
Virgins –
Just Abigail, Just Lucas, Just Robert & Just Paul, Just EJ
1st hash
w/EPH3 –
Likes It In The Eye (Slovakia Hash, one of those –stans Hash)
Dawgs –
Sir Licks A Lot, Just Brutus aka Marmaduke (f'n monster), Just Amigo
Honored pack –
Yours truly, da "Pink" Pussy Whipt, Strawberry Short Dick Forever
(s'berry brownies), Paging Doctor Faggot, Hoser, Sushi Taco, Balls
In Hand, My Teacher Made Me Cum, Peter's Out, Mary KY, Pink Slit
(rockin the boa), Ditch the Bitch, SCAB, Just Nate (Just Brutus
handler & to be named next time), Cocky, Heineken, and Dr. Wang
Congratulations to the new Mismanagement and thanks to last year's
team for all of the hard work. Remember
if you have a half mind, get checked then join us again next week.
ON ON - Twat
Rott sin fin.
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Superbowl Hash 7 Feb 2010
"This
is my hash trash song...it isn't very long"
The hash showed up at B,
All waited anxiously,
The game was about to start,
But the hares weren't yet out,
Hoser was sad Barney wasn't there,
Then quickly got happy when he groped a
hare,
The wind began to blow,
Making us hash very SLOW,
Porta zenned to the Scenic route,
Ballsy and Cliti laughed at this poor
scout,
Ms. Sushi didn't want to run,
But then decided hashing is more fun!
The group went here and there,
Heineken found a leash, a boat and a dead
HARE (no really, he did)
Mama was proud of her squirt
At least he's not playing with dirt,
The walkers stayed far behind, losing and
finding trail,
Works the Meat using technology without
fail,
Food Stamp carrying his
environment-killing styrofoam cup,
If PR was there, she'd already fuck him
up,
The group arrived at Point B.
Next to a very very OLD RV,
Songs were sung, and beer was consumed,
But the Superbowl game was to start soon,
The group swung low then piled into
trucks,
Not caring that Clucker was still running
amuck!
Till next week's hash and don't forget to
wear red,
Hey, we harriettes may even give...drink
it down down down down down down..." 
On On -
Twat Rott (for Barney)
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EPH3 Trash Jan 24th "La Migra Hash"
La Migra! Yikes!! Run Bah-Knee Run!!...OMG they're right behind
me....Hmmm? I know who Chased them on me,
must have been Baa Baa attempting to do his Civic duty..."Hey
Ewes...yea Ewes wif the Poi-Pul Sweatah on" Where you
from?.."Bah-Knee answers as he pulls his Costco Card out"
"Amurr-ree-can!"Bah-Knee says, as he's Huffing, and
Puffing..."I'm an Amurr-ree-can"...Here's my ID Card...It's my
local Costco Card with my picture on it...."Bull-Shit!! Da Migra
guys says" Wif got all kinda "Cans" running around Hee-ah...and
we're going to catch dem all"...We've got Mes-See-"CANS",
Pussy Ree-"CANS"...Wakes-mee-"Cans"...Hoser-"Cans"...and we also
got one from way down in the South...Which is really our
target...We gots us a "Baa-Baa Lost Shit-CAN...He's a real
southerner from the State of Bama, hmmm, or is it same as Mary
from Ken-Tuh-Kee (KY)...or maybe Georgia...I don't know.... It's
one of dem Dicks-Land places...where if someone screams
"Yeee-Haw" all ethnicity better start running; there is a rope
close....
Well aside from the "La Migra Convention" being held at Point
"A"...which was Pussy Whipt's favorite place, i.e.
Dollar Store, off Mcnutt near Sunland Park Drive...It was
surprising that the trail panned out to be challenging,
enjoyable, with an array of Shiggy, and Plenty of tracking thru
Poverty Stricken Neighborhoods targeting our sensibilities in
appreciating our livelihoods...Hoods is the operative word
hee-ah...Still the Hares, Officer & Gentle-Hand, or is it
Gentile & his Co-Hare Wakes-Mee-"CAN" for the day...outdid
themselves....Well maybe not so much....having realized that
most of the splooge was laid while traversing in Wake's
Jeep...Dropping a splatter or two, or they cruised along those
desert trails...which are the Border Patrols backyard...It was
scenic overlooking to the North, the racetrack, parts of the
upper valley, and the westside. To the south...a murder
riddened, gang infested, cost-co card lacking country...where
the individuals peering over...hoped the guys in green would
turn away for a second to help their efforts in traversing the
fence...the iron fence...and join us for beer...Such was the
"B"s location....and so the unmentionables were called to the
Soy-Kul in the following order....FRB - Hacker- Wacker, Hmmm? I
thought it was Hoser...The Weekly EPH3 Flying Fickle Finger of
Fate, and Hashit Award..
was bestowed inclusive of Hamburger Helper, Chips, and
everything else that would fit into the Hashit Plunger to our
own Herr Dok-Tor Wang-Dang-Doo...DFL - Cum Bubble, who hates his
name and refuses to honor it....
Hashing Footsie for 25 Hashes...Mr. Drop a Dime..on a
Mes-See-Can...Baa-Baa Lost Shit-Can...Visiting - All Shaft No
Head, Hill Country Hash....Cumming problemos - Limp Limb,
Toyz4Twats, Hung Daddy, Paging Dr Faggot, Just George,
Autohashin, refuses to lay, well at least trail - Sushi
Taco....Though he knew both hash time and prelube, refuses to
show except for onafters - Clucker Fucker & Mercedes....Prelube
only (Go Saints!) - Mary KY
Honored hashers - Pussy Whipt, Strawbeery, Porta, Bi the
Numbers, Pussy Rican, Mua da Gropemeister, Hoser-Can, Sir Licks
A Lot (hmmm? where is SLAL from, must be Polish) & half the BP
agents on duty that day....
An so folks (EPH3) this is Half-Minded, Cost-Co
Card Baring....Groping Barney signing off till next week...
On-On
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EPH3 Trash Jan 10 "WIC" Cheese & Milk
Geez....You'd think it was the line, or gathering at
the friendly neighborhood USDA "WIC" storefront giving
away "Milk, and Cheese". It was a somewhat surprising turn-out
we had on Sunday...Mann-O-mann...there were
a "Shit-Load of Hashers" aiming to go...Let me repeat
that...There were a "Shit-Load of Hashers", and Baa Baa Sheep
Shit 2s, Doh!!, I mean Baa Baa Lost Shit...where as soon as he
was seen, all remarked "Shit! There goes the
neighborhood" ...The Hares also were a little taken
amiss...i.e., Ditch-Da-Bitch, and Works da Meat...They
figured..."Ah...we don't need to get to excited over this
Hash. "Tex-Mex is right arond the Corner, and that's what
everybody is kinda waiting for" Soooo we'll just Gaff it, mark a
little here, Sploooge a little there ...and make it a
quick-n-easy to figure out Jaunt"....Yea Right!...Well the
natives were restless...they wanted Trail, A Trail...Wif
Shiggy...and plenty of Frosty Beverages... Yep there she
was...the BeerMeister, biting her nails
raw...She was "A Pacing...Pondering...Puss-Seeeee! Rican"...who
kept stammering..."Shit!! I hope I have
enough Beer" "Should I go buy some more...Should I go get sum
More Beer".... Whaddaya Tink Bah-Knee?
Rican asks da Bahn...."Hmmmm? Fudgem and Feed them Frijoles!" is
what I say...We want the Beer to run out...udderwise...nobody
we'll want to go home...We'll be in the Soy-Kul till 10pm...The
RA will get a horses voice...from screaming...Don't sweat the
small stuff Rican...We'll be alright...
Soooo Point "A" was a commonplace for EPH3...It was the Memorial
Park Library..off Copia...Usually most often utilized by the
ever popular Hose Monstah..whenever he's victim to
Haring.....Well finally after Wang finally finished screaming
and hollering..."Everyone Sign-In?" "Did Everyone Sign-In?"
which ended being quite an accomplishment...considering
the turnout...Hmmm I'd say we had about 563 Hashers out at the
Library raring to go...Yea! For Reels! "Chaulk Talk" "All
Voi-Gens ober hee-aah....cries Porta the Religious Advisor..and
immediately goes into his noimally confusing non-directive
rantings"...Okay...Ewes all go dis-away, and if you see this
mahk...go dat-away...Got It?
Oh-Kaaaay!!..Of course not surprising...the Trail was a Dead
Trail...but still who would've, could've known...It was going to
be exciting, thrilling...adventurous...breathing taking as
shit...Especially seeing as though the Hose Monstah, and da Bahn
were following one of dem Hot Voigens...I tink her name eees
"Jizz-lina!"...Oh! Doh!...Nah..it's Just Zelina..dat's right,
it's Just Zelina...Like da Whacked Tex-Mex Singer from a few
years back...who got done by her most zealous Fan!!
Shit...that's why da Bahn refuses to have Fans... Well anyway
we're off to the races..and the trail led up those little hills
at Memorial Pahk...Of course right off the mark...nobody was on
trail...So we, i.e. Mua, and Hoser...decided to Zen paralleling
(Is that how it's spelled)...keeping a close watch on the
pack...from the high ground along Piedras, looking down all
those cross streets, like Copia, Mckinley, Aurora, Louisville,
etc. and so forth, as mostly they were just wondering lost, and
occassionally finding trail in Central...Like sum of dem Israel
Peeps following a guy named "Moe"...We'd occassionally look back
and Twatt Rott..kept following us like a lost puppy not sure if
we knew where we were going...and should she catch up and hang
wif us...(of course she can't Hang...but surely she could
accompany us)... Well anyway we hit on trail...up near Alabama
street, Near Beer, and we could see light at the tunnel...mainly
the Hares, and AutoHashers....Guess who the FRB
was....Ah-Ha...Da Bahn!!
Actually it was both Hoser, and myself...but I hit him in the
nose...and stole it from him. Finally the Pack is right behind
us and they are strewing in....Porta- - - Ah-Gen!...SoyKul
Up!...It's freaking freezin...Hares nominations for receipt of
the Weekly Flying Fickle Finger of Fate, and Hashit Award....and
the Hares much to Porta Johns surprise..
nominated Porta...Yea!!!...What reason?...Who cares..DFL -
another commonplace usual, Strawberry, Yea!...
Naming Cum-Tee-Tee...got together, got it together...and the
non-fruits resulted in naming the foi-muh Mike & Kyle, as
"Hypno-Dick", and "An Officer and A GentleHand. It
was suggested we omit part of that mouthful & just call the guy
'GentleHand' or 'Gentile'? Stickered....Mary from Kentucky,
aka, Mary KY...who currently is running a series of tutorials on
You Tube on how to apply "Chola Makeup"...What a
GangBanger...Hmmm? Will she do EPH3?...Cumming problemos -
Fudgie Packer, Sergeant Goo, Peach Fuzz, Ms. Demure Whoreo, Li'l
Easy, Baa Baa Crossed Wit, Slutty, Teacher (BJH3), Moose Knuckle
(back from Kosovo on leave), Itchy-N-Scratchy, Sushi Taco Brand
spankin' (literally, take a look at her hashspace page) new El
Paso Hasher - EOD... Voigins - Just Jizz-Lina..aka Just Zelina
(currently my fave Voi-Gen until she gets pissed at me), Just
David (Peach Fuzz's friend),
Just Carlos (Cabooty), Just George (Cabooty, notice a trend
here?), Just James with Pinche Perro Just Amigo, PP Just
Franky... On-Afters only - PW & Clucker Fucker --- The rest of
the EPH3 cast - Clitigation, Dr Wang Dang Doo, Bi the Numbers,
Piss In Boots, Pink Slit, Hacker Wacker, Peter's Out, Twat Rott,
Cocky, Hoser, Takes Me and Run Over, PRican, Sir Licks A Lot,
Pony Pumper...
Soooo this is Half-Minded Groping Bar-Knee...signing off till?
Geez, I don't know...well after Tex-Mex has passed...
On-On Bah-Knee
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EPH3 Trash Dec Jan 3rd..."SLAL Pussy Chaser"
As the Idiom goes....dare was the sense of " A Calm before the
Storm" this past Sunday...I imagine the premise is..."Tex-Mex"
is just around the corner...and most Hashers are saving their
"Wads" (Pause! One thousand one, One thousand two) - - - of
Energy, Partying Mode and Money...Still who would've could've
guessed dat da Hare, who was utterly a surprise, Sir-Licks-Alot
(SLAL), was going to lay, hmmmm, Paw, Paw, an excellent trail.
Well assisted by his proprietors, the ever splendulous PR
(P-Rican), and her shagging paht-nuh, Wakes Me When It's
Done...proved to be outstanding assistants...Point "A" was at
the Pahkeen lot between BlockBuster Video, and Boiguh King da
Hamboiguh place off Mesa, near I-10...which is pertinent in the
telling of this story....again that "Calm before the Storm"
would've, could've been interrupted due to a couple of incidents
involving our scheduled "spunky" Hare, SLAL. Seems dat when all
Hashers present were involved in the meet, & greet cock-tail
hour before On-Out...SLAL proved to have an affinity for
Hamboiguhs, and crudely, I might say, as with all Dawgs (and
Hashers) "Pussy"!!.....Well da foist incident noticed was when
someone looked over, and SLAL had commandeered the Pick-Up
window at Boiguh King holding all hostage...the line for pick-up
was long, and paying customers were ready to riot over the
hold-up at the Pick-Up window.....SLAL was strategically
standing on his hinds, paws on the silvery metal table which
extends out of the window, his tongue in tow halfway down to
his chest Bah-keen away...as if
he was demanding a hand-out, preferrably a double meet, wif
cheese, pickles and no onions, skip da fries....Soooo Wakes Me
gets a nod from P-Rican as she says "Honey...your boy over dare
is making a spectacle of himself"....and Wakes shrieks an
ear-deafening..."Poncho!!!" (huh? who's Poncho. O yeah, his nerd
name)..."Get da Ph---ck away from dare"..SLAL looks over..with
one of dem "Ph---ck Ewes" looks..and calmly strolls away...Nose
to the ground quickly distracted and onto something poi-haps
more interesting....Dan, Dan...All Hell brakes loose...It looked
like SLAL (Poncho) got a whif of a recognizable scent for most
dawgs (Hashers 2s). His tail goes straight up in da air...,
ears prinning...eyes focused..and he's off chasing...at a
guzzilion MPH speed...Bah-Keen...and you could almost hear him
say if translated. "Pussy!..Pusssssyyy!!! I'm going to get
sum "Pusssy CAT!!!! Ph---ck da Hamboiguh!!...He's all
over...P-Rican screaming..."Wakes Me!!" Arrrgghhh! "Do
sum-teeengk"...Ruff, Ruff, Ruff...(I got me some Pussy, SLAL
Poncho is madly Bah-keen)....Wakes also screaming away....The
Cat's eyes are bugged out as he hauls toining dis-away, and
toining dat-away...zig-zagging with a refiness evident of all
Pussy - - Cat's. SLAL's teeth are just short of some Gray Fur
Tail...Da Cat makes a move hee-ah, and a move dare..
and he shakes SLAL briefly..until...Until...UNTIL...finally
Wakes Me corrals SLAL...grabs him by the collar...and shakes
Poncho...Hey! Hey...and Poncho Bahks (Barks) back....as if
saying "Ewe Pussy Blocker, Ewe"....Whew!! Dare was spilt beer,
all over the place, Harriettes all
screaming...exhaling...Ooooooh! dat was exciting..Noses
flaring....and dat was just Wakes Me....Well, needless to
say....another Banshee Scream cums...and Porta da RA...yells
Hares-Out!!...and da hole Wakes, PR, and SLAL family whisks
away...splooge in the air...and a sense of normality came back
to the EPH3 Meet & Greet Cocktail Hour.... One thousand One, One
thousand 2s....Chaulk Talk, and finally an On-Out chasing trail
for EPH3 stahted da afternoon.
Well it was an excellent trail...clearly well thought
out...marked appropriately...Just long enuff, just shoit
enuff...Nice Shiggy involved...Scenic...Perfect Beer Check spot,
with a minimal amount of long shots, walker consideration was
given...Now who again, would've, could've guessed that Sir Licks
Alot (Poncho) was such an outstanding Hare...We was all over the
greater Country Club vicinity, Doniphan...some ghetto
involved...
and a nice Point "B" located in da Bush, along da biggest
Resovoir in El Paso...Soykul UP!!! Porta screams....FRB...? Hmmm
was eeet Hacker Wacker, or Porta? Most would say Hacker was
it....Nominations and receipt of the weekly Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate, and Hashit Award was previous member of EPH3 and now
visiting Hasher, "No Dick 4 U".. Da DFL, DFL...Nah...although he
did eventually show up...Clucker Fucker was not it, it was
Strawberry Short Dick Forever with a renewed vigor for the New
Year as he stands in for Jack Shit....Patched for a 69th...da
ever rising, stoic..tall...Cock Shock Therapy...who had just
driven back 700 miles from Phoenix...after safely delivering
Little Shocker back from her visit at EPH3... A naming
cum-tee-tee was foimed where the outcome is now forever shall be
knowned Just Marty to be "Mary from Kentucky"...Huh?....No, No,
No...It's "Mary KY"...don't sweat it Mary...if it ever goes dry,
Da Bahn will Slop it Up for Ewes....Problemo Cummers....Limp
Limb, ND4U!, Moneyshot Barbie and Toyz4Twats who came back outta
nowhere. A Voigin who is 'Another Doc - Just James.... Shit!!
with as many quacks (Physicians) as we now have in our
membership, we could have our own makeshift episode of
Scrubs....Festivees - Elmer Pud Phucker, Clitigation,
Ballsy, Puss In Boots, Da Dollar Store Man Pussy Whipt, My
running pot-nuh on Sunday Bi the Numbers, Porta, Pink Slit,
Woiks da Meat, Herr Dok-Tor Wang Dang Doo, almost not dare Twat
Rott, Heineken Skywalker, and da Vivacious, Hot-to-Trott...Ms
Hot Pants...Ditcha-Da-Bitcha,
Aaaaannnnd Soooo folks...this is Half-Minded Bah-Knee signing
out till da next family (EPH3) reunion...
On-On...Groping Bar-Knee...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EPH3 Trash Sun Dec 27th "Short and Sweet"
It was a cool, quiet, brisk Sunday...and characteristically
evident, judging by the scheduled "Hare", going to be a short,
pre-layed, pre-determined, easy to find (given proper intel
research, and analysis to detoy-men da "B") maybe ladened with
a shortage of attendees.....considering that El Pisso's
Demi-Gods, i.e. "Da Cowboys" were playing...Pssssst! (Spit on
floor)...that afternoon... In a Nutshell EPH3, a "Short & Sweet"
Hash. Point "A" was easy to find...which was located in the
greater ghetto gangsta ridden side of El Pisso, i.e. Da
NorthEast...Hmmm? Doesn't Herr Dok-Tor Wang live on dat side of
town?...Oh Yea, his clinic is located in the general area
dare-abouts..."Guys-Know-Cows-Logist Center" which often treat
Rubenesque Wayward Weemens suffering from a sortie of
Rashes.."Yikes!!!".... Okay, well, Point "A" not to far from
there, was at Dyer, and Manila streets... Our Hare for the week
was the irrefutable "Works-Da-Meat"... I can only express my
deepest emotion by remarking with a enthusiastic "Bada-Bing,
Bada-Booom" at the thought of our Hare!!
Foist on site..was da Bahn..da GropeMeister, Mua...always oily,
cause he likes to "C" all arrivals, and eavesdrop on
conversations, and gossip...Now shortly thereafter Hose Handler
arrived..."Sooo
Hoser?" Yes Bah-Knee...he says..."Whaddaya tink?"...short trail,
long trail, Zenning Trail?...Hmmm? I
tinks...a Zenning venture is at hand...and with dat
said...EPH3 begins to stream in...Da Hare "Woiks"
shows up with a clear scowl on her face, and promptly accuses
Hoser, and Mua da Bahn...of Scouting for Trail..."What Woiks!?"
Whattaya Mean? Now dats Libel...We just gots here...burr-lee got
out of our vehicles..."Scouting Scoundrels" Woiks again
libelously, defamatory I'd say, yet still screams at us 2s...If
ewes 2s found trail...U-Butter not tell...or I'll Kill Ewes, If
you Hint at the Trail...I'll Kills Ewes...If you even mis-direct
the Pack a little - I'll Kills Ewes!!... Okay, Okay!!
Alright-All-Ready Woiks...Ruff! Ruff!! Hoser Barks Back...Soooo
dares Clitigation, Strawberry, Puss-N-Boots.....Kilted Pussy
Whipt, accompanied by another Kilter, Paging Dr Faggot, Herr
Dok-Tor Wang was early "Sign In, Sign In!!! a Wang common
quip...accompanied by a salutory, "Hey Bar-Knee
How-Ya-Doeeng?"...and calmly asks me.."Hey Bah-Knee..is my skin
red back here behind the neck? I just left the Clinic...and I
stahted itching shortly thereafter"...Oye...Uh? Ugh? Not any
redder than ur usual self Wang-Dang-Doo" Says Bah-Knee...Just
spray a little Windex on it...and the itch will stop....Bah-Knee
says...Let's "C" who else...Ditch-Da-Bitch arrives in her tight!
very tight! Sexy Tight!!, Yummy Very Sexy Tight. (exhale,
gasp...pondering) Very tight nice tight colorful Tights she was
wearing...Uyyyyye! Bi-da-Numbers is dare, Da RA Porta...Pink
Slit, Ms. Demure Whoreo.....Wait! Wait!! Do my eyes deceive
me...A very long time Problemo Cummer...is at hand...it's
nun-udder dan "Cheap-Lay"...Whoa!! Hey Girl, Bah-Knee says it's
been a long time...U know...this movie trailer I was watching da
udder day kinda reminded me of ewes... it's a remake of "Clash
of the Titans" and there was a scene with "Medusa" in it...and
ah, and ah...and ah, nevermind..although eeet did kinda did
reminded me of ewes....Oh Hi Cabooty....ah excuse me dare "Cheap
Lay"...gots to meet and greet..Hey Cabooty, how are ewes, how
ya doeeng??? Nice to "C" ewes, says Bah-Knee...and Cabooty
calmly quips...Phuck Ewes Bah-Knee, Eye-Am still mad at
ewes...Oooooh! Cabooty...I love eeet when you're nice to
me...It's good to "Cs'" ewes 2s...Now put dat middle finger
away...I gots da point!!...The Schock-Twatt Familia also
arrives, Mr. Tear-A-Piece C-ck Schok gently guiding his newly
named cutie goy-lee daughter formerly Just Julia, now known as
"Little Shocker"....along...
Chaulk Talk!!!....Cums dat unmistakable Banshee Cry from the RA
Porta....On Out!!! and sooooo da
pack goes dis-ah-way, and da pack goes dat-ah-way up Dyer..going
Northerly (is dare such a woid, Northerly?) Sooooo C--ck Shock
Tear-Ah-Piece catches up to da Hose Monstah, and da Bahn...and
kinda silently says to us..."Hey ewes Guys, where ya
goeengk?"....Hoser answers "Eye tinks da trail probably is going
dis-ah-away towards da old Girls Scout Camp Site..Up nears Sue
Young Pahk"...Well can ewes guys do me a favor....Little Shocker
says she wants to Zen...and wants to dis-ah-way...Let's help her
out..
Huh? Huh? Guys!! C-mon....Soooo Little Shocker led the Way...all
da way up to and along the Rushing, backstreet routes, to and
from the greater ghetto gangsta ridden side of El Pisso... Till
to our amazement after a short shiggy run inside mesquites
ridden desert we hears On-In Da "B", Point "B" dat eeees!!!
Soykul UP EPH3!!!...and sooo immediately the blood thoisty pack
stahts to soy-kul.....INNOCENT!! Eye'm Innocent!....Innocent Eye
tells ewes!!...."Bah-Knee for HASHIT...Somebody get a Rope!!!
"Wait! Wait!! says Bah-Knee.... Pah-Leese...No, No!! I have a
family (Ugh? what family?)...I have plants at home that need
care...I haven't finished my Hair Plug Treatments -
Pah-Leeese!..."Phuck-Eeem" say all Hashers...And so the Hare -
"Works-Da-Meat" imparted the Weekly Flying Finger of Fate, and
Hashit Award to the GropeMeister...the reason for Hashit...Cause
Bah-Knee called the Hare "Pinche Hare"...Bah-Knee broke all the
rules - He mispoke of the Hare, and he used a Spanish Woid;
Blasphemy!...He'll smoke a turd in Hash Hell....For not speeking
englishee.. FRB?...what? no way?...Porta Ah-Gen...or was it
Hacker Wacker??
DFL, DFL, DLF!!! Shitty Speller...Elmuh PudPhucker, or is it
PhudPucker..."I don't know!!"..... New Shoez...Rash Ridden Her
Dok-Tor Wang, Demure Whoreo, and guess who Ah-Gen is in the
Soy-Kul? Bah-Knee for nu-shoez-2s....Oye-Vey...Autohashin -
CheapLay hanging with the Pinche Hare....Voi-Gens...Just Karl,
calls Cabooty mama + that guy she picked up the week before at
the Steelers game in the beer joint, was it Just George? Just
George, I don't know....dats what the sign-in said.....Whistled
- Just Carlos & Kenya Spank M'Monkey? Cumming problemos -
Strawberry Short Dick Forever, CheapLay, Ballsy
Kwanzaa celebrees - Bi the Numbers, Paging Doctor Faggot in
kilt, Pussy, Whipt too, Hoser, Puss Boots & J, Clitigation, Pink
Slit, Elmer Pud(second 'd' is superfluous) Phucker, Pony Pumper
with Pinche Perro "Don't Taze Me Bro!, Da best Mudder in da
Woild - Twat Rott and (dat little shit can run) Heineken
Skywalker, of Course Little Shocker, HOT!!!Ditch the Bitch in
those Tights...Yummy!! OMG!!
Abee-dee, Abee-deee - - Dat's all Folks...Here's looking at ewes
all Half-Minds to a Great Nu-Year cumming..
Hopefully will "Cs" ewes dare....
This is Groping Bah-Knee signing off....till next time... On-On
!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EPH3 Trash! Dec 20th "Twas the Hash B-4 Christmas!!"
Twas the Hash before Christmas...and all thru El Pisso...
Not a creature was stirring, mostly you'd just hear Whistles...
The Stockings were hung at Problemo Cummers homes,
While Hashers came to Hash wearing their own.
The RA, Porta John wore his with care,
and Hoser Handler dressed as St. Nicholas would soon be at Point "A"
- There!!
The Children mostly Rug Rats whose parents were EPH-3rs',
were nestled and dressed in two or three Layers...
While visions of receiving their first 25 Hash Patch,
Hasher moms push them as FRBs to try to Hare Snatch!!
At the Point "B" during the Chistmas Light Gathering,
the RA shrieks, On-In!!, above all the heavy Chattering.
All were Happy, Joyful, enjoying Christmas Lights and Cheer,
but along the way, something had been brewing with a Sneer.
Seems Baa Baa Lost Shit doesn't appreciate Bah-Knee's Trash,
and wants to beat the shit out of Bah-Knee at the Hash
Anyway...all EPH3rs kept singing Christmas Carols, and moved on
with a Flash
To the next Christmas Lights Home, it was still a Holiday
Hash...
"Hmmmm? Beer Bitch" Bah-Knee says "Gimme a Beer!!"
This is not going to ruin my EPH3 Jeer, or Holiday Hashing Cheer...
When out on a Christmas Light Home's lawn there arose such a
Clatter...
Apparently the Cider Rum got the Best of Wakes Me...all
asked, "What's the Matter?"
When, what to da Bahn's wondering eyes should appear...in my face
was another Beer
The Hares...Pussy Rican, Cabooty, Clitigation, and Ditch screamed..
Bah-Knee you should've, Could've dressed up as a Reindeer....
I could've, would've followed the Hoser dressed as St. Nick...
As he chased most of the Harriettes so lively and quick...
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by Name....
Now Harriettes, Hashers just the Same!!!
Now Whoreo, Now Pink Slip, Now Toys-4-Twats, Come-On...Twatt for
Rott!
On Ditch, Clit, and Sushi...hurry up...move that Pucheee...
Pony Pumper a St. Nick wannabee, Dr. Wang brought some cheer, Cider
Rum..
Which made Wakes Me Up-Chuck...and thus was a little Glum...
Finally da Hash ended at "B"...and a Soykul was called and also a
Naming Cum-Tee-Tee
and these are the Highlights of a Hash Weekend filled with Cheer and
Glee...
Hashit...Puchee Sushi...Named -Just Julia is now "Little Shocker"
Elmuh Phudpucker got 69ined with a Patch...
and although pre-layed there will still some Zenners in the Hash....
Sunday was about the same joyful event as Friday...
except the difference was a Potluck with a small Suaray
EPH3 thanks all involved during the Christmas Holiday....
Bi the Numbers, Heineken Skywalker, Pink Slit, Puss In Boots, PW,
Rwat Rott, Cock Shock Therapy, Whoreo, Ponus Pumptus, Diggs Cock,
Just Marty, Worn-Out
CockSucker w/Pinche Perro Just Sebastian, Woiks da Meat, Hoser, and
good ol'
Dok Wang
This is Half-Minded Bah-Knee wishing everyone a Merry Christmas,
God Bless, and I apoligize if I hurt in anyway, or made you feel
small..
I really truly very much LOVE you All!!!
Groping Bar-Knee....Da Bahn....till next Week!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Notes From the Weak" July/Aug 2009 by Herr Doktor Wang
Dang Doodle
Howdy campers.
As BarKnee has abdicated his hash trash responsibilities while
doing undercover work in DC; you know, CIA, NSA bunker recon. As
we've had an eventful week, and as I have been assured by the
Gropemeister that his wonderfully droll trash will return to this same
bat station in the cumming week, a summary from one hasher's
perspective.
Kicked it off with a
lightly attended prelube for the 30pack Marathon last Friday.
Hellions of Odessa (Ass Me If I'm Horny, Pecker Nipples &
Just TJ, who thought they were gonna do it relay-style), Bloody Z,
30pack ringer & Kimchi, now hashing in JAX (Jacksonville is gay, hey!),
Wrong Hole and the then Just Max from Phoenix in attendance.
One could feel the energy building toward the main event.
Which started only a
bit late, between 4:15 and 4:30. 38 participants, lotsa
fans, support crews and gawkers. We all got used to seein'
Z's backside, as he was gonna reproduce his winning performance from the
1st 30pk last year in Tucson, in less than 7 hours.
Stealthily, with a
great deal of panache, Hacker Wacker made his semiannual appearance
count, reeling off his stages of the circuit, quaffing his down-downs,
to becum a hash daddy on the day. All 29 laps, all 30
beers, all within 10 hours. Full marathon distance,
about 20 quarts of beer. Insert expletive here.
Boobalicious was the
1st woman ever to complete the distance, but her timing was off, having
started late. She was victimized by our arbitrary
public establishment serving limit of 2am. 5 beers
short.
Wrong Hole's son,
then known as Just Max, was another surprise, finishing in time, but 2
beers short. Why? Still have no idea
why anyone would complete this idiotic thing and not drink the last 2
beers. Oh, well.
The resuvus sustained
various injuries, maladies, and misfortunes on trail.
The rundown, pun intended:
Just Jose, some wacky
SmHasher that Hung Daddy chased up in Austin or
sumpthin', well done (literally) with 24 laps, still mumbling and
limping at the hash on Sunday.
Yours wangly, we'll
get to that later. Masterful performance.
Wakes Me When It's
Over took some kinda tumble, broken wrist, broken finger or thumb, none
of the above, but the hand remained elevated on Sunday. He
dipped in for a little IV action in the mornin' and later in the week
was hospitalized with the crud flu.
The Hellions decided
to go for the gusto and perform individually rather than as a relay, and
Ass Me delivered with well over a half a marathon, twisted ankle.
Pecker Nipples, competent at 16 laps, was termed by Slutty to
have been `way out there'. Just TJ's first hashing
experience was this travel hash, good start.
Over the hump, over
half marathoners, Porta, who looked relatively unscathed, but also cums
down with the crud flu later in the week. Sharing a delicious
beverage container with Wakes? Hmm…
Hoser, who was coaching Just Max with a wisdom that many years on
trail brings, was well turned out in his hunting kilt.
Yo Mamma was chasing
Z, and even leading for awhile I think, but was losing cookies all over
the place. Wakes, PR and Diggs Cock accompanied him on his
3 last laps. Teacher bein' Teacher.
Happily, he kept his anus outta my face.
Ditch Sucker (3
blisters), Cabooty, Puss In Boots and Pussy Whipt, with compliant corner
girl Just Marty, all seemed to suffer only permanent mental damage.
The smartest and most
highly evolved hashers set a target for themselves, say a half, or a few
fun laps, and were happy, had much more fun, and for the most part
departed unscathed. Diggs Cock and Pussy Rican did
the heavy lifting to prepare for the event, and should have the eternal
gratitude of all. Bi the Numbers, who got Ditch the
Bitch out for a lap, Under Erection, Cock Shock Therapy, Twat Rott, Pink
Slit, Eye Fucked Up (to who's house I was to be dispatched, but DC
totally forgot me bleeding in a chair), and this newish BJ Fuck Me, My
Ass Hurts (2 full heel blisters), all will have but a few mental scars.
I have a special spot
in my heart for the underachievers, real party people slackers.
When I cum across them I think of G. Sergeant
Goo and frequent TexMexer Wrong Hole tied for fewest laps with 2, and
trying to suss out which of them had the slowest lap is beyond me.
Butt Darts was right in there with 3 laps, but those two bested
him.
Cockeye came late (is
there any sucha thing ladies?) too, but did some honourable work joining
Boobalicious on her final 10 laps.
Condoments, Thin Red
Line, SCAB and the aforementioned Just Marty really helped out timing
spillage counting counting counting beers beers beers and the Wheel of
Hash Misfortune, with event customized punishment by the Wakes Ricans.
Other things I
noticed before the fog rolled in – some dude in a red dress and a
striped fur hat, this fast goofy Latter Day Saint named Just Dave in a
big sombrero, another fast virgin Just Angela, who banged a buncha laps
before having to get home to relieve the babysitter, virgins in chaps &
bandoleers…Slutty and Phantom Bitch providing immoral support, and the
current popular apreœ crew U Suck My Cock, wifey Peggy Bundy &
my-mother-in-law-lives-with-us.
Fast forward to the
next day, as I did.
When the first words
that multiple hashers greet you with the day after are `Boy, you're
lucky you didn't break your nose and your teeth out', you know you had a
good time. Seems the rumor was that I had busted my
grille, and hashers were genuinely disappointed that this was not the
case. And only 14 scabs after shaking, rattling and
rolling.
But we were assembled
for a more important task than assaying my injuries, so we were off on a
tour of campus layed by Pussy Whipt and Ditch Sucker, neither of whom
looked the worse for wear. Pink Slit had that
just-out-of-bed-and-who-did-I-sleep-with kinda tousled hangover look,
which was pretty typical of the turdypackers. This was, in
fact the slowest hash I have ever been a part of. Dub it `The
Slowest Hash in the West'.
I mean, everybody was
moseying, except Hung Daddy, who skipped the 30pk, and Teacher, who is a
glutton for punishment. How slow was it?
Wait for it…
It was so slow that
Groping BarKnee (daily double – hashit awardee, too) was the actual FRB,
only aced by slow-ass Hoser's competitive nature. It was
so slow that Clucker Fucker was not DFL, but a very respectable midpack.
It was so slow that Condoments and a still bilious Yo
Mamma shadowed us autohashing all over campus. I mean
it was sloooowww.
Visiting hasher –
Wrong Hole, Phoenix
And we adopted her
son, Just Max, and in honor & off her of his spirited performance,
coached by the Hose Monster, though he was 2 short (beers, that is) in
30pk2, we up & named him Butt Puppy, for that wrong hole.
He's off to some ghastly place with the Marines.
And we up & named
Just Dave, Paging Doctor Faggot, after the favorite line from the
previous week's movie nite. This is where DW pitched the hissy fit.
Praise Twat Rott for pickin' up after me. All the
rugly references were for naught.
And then our finest
achievement on the day (except for those 30pack circuits conquered from
midnight till 2am)! The Triple Crown, the Triple Witching, the
Cunt-Fuckta! Within the space of one month, we, as a hash, have
spawned 3, count `em, three Cunts. First was Cunt'sWayLow, then
Cuntortionistá, and now (drum roll, please) Cuntstellation. The
former Just Cailyn had this name bestowed upon her for questionable body
ink choices, but I'll always call her Peg.
It will truly go down
in El Paso hashtory as the Month of the Cunt,
CuntMont, maybe.
Untrue voigin, who's
hashed before in Lincoln, and made himself cum,
Just Kyle.
Not as virtuous as
they once were – Just Cookie, Just Cari and Just Jose, who kicked some
ass in the 30pack.
Hurtin' turkeys and
lazy bums – Clitigation, U Suck My Cock, Pink Slit, Twat Rott, Cock
Shock Therapy, Hoser, Bi the Numbers, PortaJohn, Wakes, My Teacher Made
Me Cum!, Hung Daddy Tutu, Clucker Fucker & your humble servant.
And Hoser was soooo
drunk. How drunk was he, you might ask? He
was soooo drunk…wait for it…
That he tried to dump
the Drunk of the Month on me, but his addled brain miscalculated the
date, and the pack unanimously reawarded the prize to him for the month
of August. Well played, Hoser.
We took every
subsequent day off from hashing until Friday, when Pussy Whipt was up
again with a Founders Day bash in honor of G's birthday, with obscure G
& hash trivia to keep the crowd on its toes.
The usual suspects –
Twat & Cocky, Balls (awarded 69th hash patch) & Elmer, Slutty
& Goo, Puss In Cabooty, special guest star Strawberry Short Dick
Forever, special appearance by the happy couple H2Ho & Face Down, Just
Kyle warmin' up to the El Paso Hash, Ditch Sucker, Diggs Cock & his
voigin Just Julie, coupla other virgins & my wangliness.
Notable
nonappearances, Porta & BdN, Pussy (See ya later, honey) Rican was
flyin' solo & lovin' it, Ditch the Bitch (lite days) and Hoser.
What's wrong old man, can't keep up the pace? Or are
ya chasin' tail in Tucson?
Beer beer, drink
drink, eat some, G trivia, vibrators, sing a lot, drink drink beer beer
trail circle swingit. You know the drill.
Just one week in our
hash. Sheesh. Excuse my length, I know
it hurts, but enjoy my girth.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EPH3 Commentary for Sunday July 6th… the “AA Hash” (Array
of Aromas)
A foreboding aromatic scent of a stale pungent ammoniated by-product,
originating from
"I care not to mention" from varied dark downtown alleys…..which often
was where da pack was led into mahked by quickly fading splooge…This
almost being a Hashers worst shiggy nightmare. I'd say it was up
there with Resevoirs and no Cheetos at a Soy-Kul.….. No…No!...A Hasher’s
worst nightmare…is to cum upon trail leading to a Beer Chek…only to
realize that sum blasphemous Civilian Hog…stole the Beer Chek… and so
the pack moves on…into another “Phew” alley…“Hoser?”..”Yikes, cries out
Bah-Knee”..What is that smell…”Bah-knee” Hoser steps into his lecture
mode, minus da Soap-Box”…..Haven’t you ever eaten them pickled eggs, and
pig’s feet often found in one of dem piss-on-da-wall Bars in Central and
than cut the cheese soon there-after. ”Cut da Cheese?”
“Cut-da-Cheese?”…You mean Fart..right? Fart?...whew, phew!...Ok Bar-Knee
stop eeet…don’t you dare end up making this Hash-Trash topic around Fart
jokes..It was just a metaphor I was using….says Hoser...Most of these
characters you see peering out & around these alleys…Like perhaps those
three stooges over dare “Curly, Larry, & Paco” were raised around dem
Piss-on-da-wall Bars probably grew up in dem..and now have scented,
et.al alleys with dare aromatic scent…of pickled whatever…Hoser? What
Bah-Knee?...Let’s get out of dis alley…Ok Bah-knee I’m right
wif-ewes…On-On…
Well da Hares…Mr. LIITA (proud sponsor of now named
“Likes-it-in-the-Caboose (LIITC), and visiting
voi-gen friend of LITTC, Just Mike), along wif Co-Hare “Clitigation, Oh
Clitigation what’s ur Motivation” managed to weather (which was
good)..the fact dat the Beer Chek was stolen…and an array of “Phew
Alleys”. It was a multi-event Hash…EPH3 managed to find Point “A”
in the labyrinth of city streets often closed, and speckled with
detours… was at or near the downtown Greyhound bus-stop, behind El
Museo, and Historic Plaza Tee-ah-Tro…Still a good turn-out was on
hand..ready, willing…& well supplied wif frosty beverages…frantically
waiting for Hares Out, and a On-On, to get on wif the enriching smells,
scents, and Array of Aromas. Forth-cumming…Shoot! And that’s
just a few of our Harriettes, trail was promising to be butter…on the
road….Everybody, minus a few, was dare…Voi-Gens up the Yahoo
Tooo!...Just Mitch, Just Tricia, Just Jonathan, and of course Just
Mike … Now new Voi-Gen “Just Mike” sponsored by LIITC, was on hand
Sunday not necessarily to run, Why? we might ask, cause as we
continually hoid from him, he had “bad ankles”, but rather, I would
suspect, to keep an eye on Caboose…”Now Mike?” Da Bahn asks….”Just how
long have you been dating Ms.Likes It in the Caboose?” - ….(So he
answers in this high pitch “Mike Tyson” voice)…meanwhile Da Bahn…is
trying not to shit his pants wif laf-tuh...trying to hold it in...after
hearing Just Mike esplane himself..”Well...Let me see” says Just
Mike…”oh, about forever”…”and he adds, “Ah!..Mr. Barr-Neee, I can’t run
you know” “I’m hurt” “I have bad ankles”…Ah-huh...Hmmm? Ok Just Mike…No
problem, you don’t have to run…Soooo Mike…what do you do for a
living?…He ah-gen, answers in his Mike Tyson voice “Ah? I work…You
know I can’t run…I can’t run…because I have a bad ankle”….Just
Mike…Listen, says da Bahn, You don’t have to run…now enuff about you
freaking, fracking, “Pinche” ankles…Mann-O-Mann…and Ur “Da Dude Dat Does
Da Caboose”…Hijola Bato, Que Pues…Well, anyway…Hares Out!! Shouts
Porta…3, 2, 1…Walking…Running and we’re off….Dis-A-Way, and
Dat-A-Way….Up Mills, Down Mesa, Up Oregon, down to Paisano…along
Paisano…Alleys hee-ah, Alley’s dare…”Ali-Alee, Ali-A-La, Ali-ah-Baba”…to
Overland, to County Jail…where we witness da weekly Air Writing
Competition…by wayward goyle-friends, and wifes of incarcerated
Dude-Meisters…Yikes…and no telling what dare in dare for….On-On…Well
after about an hour or so..of finding trail…and our sinuses totally
demolished…Beeer Neeeer! Came da Cry…FRB…Hmmm..I thought eeet was
Porta...or Miss Hair..”Balls-in-Hand”…Nah! Eeet was “Wake Me ---“ who
gave us the finger as we all approached da “B”..cumming-eeen.
DFL…shoot, I don’t know…maybe won of the walkers… Slowly da eventual
pack came in “Bi-da-Numbers, Porta, Fidel Assblow, Pubic Nightmare,
Pussy Rican, Quantum-Queerie, Corky minus da Price, Elmer Pud wif his
Balls a Boining...(Says he was chafed cause he freed Weeely)…and my
poy-sun-nal friend C-Alice….Twatt-Rott…and her new found friend wif size
12 feets…”Go Figure, huh?” Just Joe…Joe da Big Guy…which I might add is
a foy-mah “JarHead” Oooorah!....”SOYKUL UP!!!” shouts…Our illustrious
Religious Advisor Porta…EPH3, Hares…after having received
nominations…who is going to be the recipient of the “Weekly Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate, and Hashit Award” dis week…..”Bah-Knee!!!!”
…What? What? Mua…What For? What did I dooo?...For not bringing cups for
the Bee-Aaah Bitch…Now dat’s Cheesy..says da Bah-Knee…Shoot the Hares
lost the Beer-Chek…Our sinuses are shot…
And I get the Hashit for no cups…Mann-O-Mann…Pinche Hashers, says
Bah-Knee…Okay…Okay….Chug-a-Lug….and da festivities proceeded with a
Buzzed Bah-Knee on Hand...until Swing-Low was sung…Thereafter…it was on
where pots of EPH3 proceeded to a kick-ass On-After in Honor of
departing Hand-Job-Daly, for her last Hash with the EPH3…Shooot…never
got a chance to hit…dat half-mind...split-tail, Haly, Daly, Schmaly,
whatever…Which is probably all I would’ve ever needed, Just a
Half-Mind…to Hash wif the EPH3…& Daly....
This is Bah-Knee signing off till next week…On-On
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